Category: Our Love Letters

These letters are notable pieces of letters between Q and S, while he’s been in prison.

Q: Dawning Sky

Light loves the skin
With an awakening warmth,
Your smile plays on the horizon of my mind,
A dawn of a purple sky…
Your love
never leaves me.

A caged bird sings,
Slumber out of sight,
Love leaves it sleepless
because the love never leaves.

Oh God,
you pour into my soul a sweet nectar –
something belonging to,
but unpossessed.
A nourishing love
Life-giving,
where once a man was dead to the living.
That nectar,
what man sought during dark times…
That nectar…
The elixir of life… the secret to immortality.

God, why do you find me –
a faithless, lowly man, a crook and a thief –
worthy of such a prize?
Worthy of love
that lights the dawning sky.

– Q, 1/29/21

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Q+S: 1st Anniversary

Q and I celebrated our first year of love and happiness on August 14th. While I didn’t post about it then, I still think about it. We had a beautiful video visit, and exchanged written (and drawn gifts.) We wrote poetry and letters to each other, and prayed together for many more.

The feature photo is something he sketched for me, and here’s what I wrote for him.

When push comes to shove,

When ground was above,

When life came to love,

There was you.

When curves were aligned,

When stars came to shine,

When God warped the time,

There was you.

You, my destiny in flesh form –

Meant to walk the earth together,

as one.

Meant to walk the earth together –

As king and queen,

Hand in hand,

Taking on

everything.

There was you,

when I was at my worst.

Believing in me, and putting me first.

Loving me and bringing me joy –

Laughing with me, and bringing me presence,

Clearing my stresses,

Creating OUR essence.

You, my everything, in soul form.

Flaws and all, and everyday

I want more.

Flaws and all, and everyday –

You choose me.

Recognizing now and then

how it’s supposed to be.

There was you,

when I ain’t have nothing left

Protecting me, in your heart you kept –

Faith and hope and love in the darkest hours

Trust me when I say what’s mine is ours

We’re climbing the highest towers,

Using our super powers…

Love –

The magic, before my eyes.

On August 14th,

There was you.

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S: My Quarantine Birthday

Never did I think I’d also somehow have a quarantine birthday, but alas, here we are.

It’s still very much the ‘pandemic times’ right now so we didn’t get to see eachother in person. But luckily I got to start the day off with a video visit with him. Coffee time, which was beautiful.

A couple days prior to that, I received a package in the mail addressed to me. I knew what it was because he had spoiled the surprise of what he’d gotten me for my birthday, but I didn’t know what it looked like. I unwrapped the box and pulled it out, and it’s a beautiful little bonsai tree. An outdoor juniper bonsai. I love that he listens. He knows how much I love plants and the joy they bring to me.

He and I named him together. Going back and forth. Once told him that it seemed male, we started talking about boy names and couldn’t land on one. I told him that the tree was spikey, but soft and gentle. Small but mighty. He thought about it for a while and said – ‘what about Sonic? Like the hedgehog, who shares those same qualities.’ It was perfect. We shared an equal like for the movie, and both enjoyed the video game as kids. ‘Sonic the Bonsai’ I said.

I also got a beautiful handmade card from him. Another surprise. I waited to open it until my birthday. He had written a sweet little diddy, a birthday poem if you will. It made me smile…

“July 21st, a very special birth,
heaven opened up and an angel grazed the earth,

Oh, S. Dae!
special in every S. way,
the greatest of the greatest
birthday of birthdays.

All hail the Queen,
the only reason I’m a King,
and I’ve been enamored since the first “whatchu mean!?” 🙂

To my Queen, to my goddess
whom I love, respect, trust and adore,

Happy Birthday, my Lady and Love,
and to you, a million more…”

The best part about the day was that he felt very present. We didn’t get to talk much on the phone that day due to the Covid cases and lockdowns going on at his facility… but he was with me all day, even though he wasn’t. He made me feel so special and fills me with so much joy. I’m so so grateful. Happy birthday to me.

– S

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Joint Meditation: “If you and I are possible, anything is possible.”

Celebrating our 10th month together, Q and I spent some time meditating yesterday and building our spiritual force.

“My meditation was good. It focused on the nature of God. My focal point was the force that brought us together… It’s the same force that sets everything in motion… the Force, babe… all the destiny involved in our chanced love. It was all set in motion by a force. This force guides all things to their purpose and position. We can become more familiar with this force by trying to feel its influence in our entire relationship… God is Love. Seek the nature of love, you’ll find the nature of God… Feel the force that pushes us together and feel how that force is enveloping the whole universe. That’s God…”

– Q, Note to S, 6/14/20

He continues to teach me so much about my own spiritual power and faith, aiding me on my spiritual journey. I’m so grateful. With his guidance, I had my own exploration.

I focused on what you’ve called the force. What was cool about it was it was easy to weave in and out of what was going through me. I kept getting flashes of us and how we are just straight up POSSIBLE. If you and I are possible, anything is possible.

-S, Note to Q, 6/15/20

After my meditation and prayer on the subject, I grabbed our notebook which was nearby, and started to write. A reflection, I guess you can call it. Here’s a little bit of it.

“The nature of God… the force… destiny. I could see us. Day 1 until now, the future. Thinking of all the things that brought us together, even though odds were low. We overcame them one by one. We were supposed to know eachother.

I saw colors… blue and orange mixed together, like a sunset. The sky. I saw us, harnessing our power. I feel we are going to change the world. I think you hold the blue, and me the orange – together, we make a big energy that’s pinkish purpleish. It’s beautiful. I could see it.”

– S, 6/14/20, Notebook

From now on, Q and I are going to try and have a meditation each month on the 14th, focusing on our power. Our force.

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Q: Love, is a puzzle.

I was sitting around reading some of Q’s old (JPay) letters we shared when we first reconnected a couple years ago. We were going back and forth about whether or not what we shared back then was love or lust. We went back and forth a bit and he shared something with me that I read now and realize that he has always been TRUE. That his motives and his feelings and his… I don’t know! He was literally sweeping me off my feet and I didn’t even know it.

A Quick Synopsis of Love:
To best describe love, I would use the analogy of a puzzle… at first, the picture is created as a whole, then it is cut into individual pieces with unique shapes that entail exactly where they belong, and what other pieces they belong with in order to complete the entire picture…

“If you love someone, then you got to let them go…” Truly, if you loved someone, then you never really possessed them in the first place. People make the fatal mistake of believing they control everything; and to a degree, they are correct. But love is a force of nature and beyond one’s control. Our shapes were determined by the creator of the puzzle.
You should not question yourself about it: “Am I in love?.”

I used to try and force thoughts out of you, and feelings out. Mostly, I was successful… but I could never eliminate you from my heart, and therefore my mind… I figured we belong. That’s without question. To me, that force of nature is not something to fight against, but something to fight for…

– QMP, 5/17/2018

I just… my heart. Everything he said, is exactly what we have now. It’s really magical.

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Q + S: How Loving Yourself, Can Equal Finding Love

Q and I talk a lot about self love, and the true love we have with one another. When we were working on the ‘100 Reasons I Love You’ writing we did for eachother over Valentine’s Day, we both mentioned how we wanted to find things about eachother that didn’t have to do with ourselves.

Some people say you can’t love others because they love you, but we say why not? The true love you seek lies within you.

Take a look at a letter Q wrote, sharing his perspective on how it’s okay to love your significant other because they love you.

“I woke up this morning thinking of you and how much I love you. It’s A LOT. It’s funny you spoke on loving me because I love you and loving the part of yourself that you see in me. I thought about that same very exact thing. I thought about the way you remind me of my mother first. Then, I was like – well she reminds of my sister too. and Then I was like… well duh, they both are my relatives, so I love them because they are a reflection of me. 🙂 And think about this infinite model of love… I love you because you love me (not solely because of that, but yeah)… and your love makes me love me more, which in turn make me love you more, which also in turn makes you love me more and the cycle continues on your side of the cycle and on and on…

I don’t necessarily think loving someone because you resonate with the ‘you’ inside of them is a bad thing. On the real, I think that’s the a true means of cultivating our intense type love. It not loving you because you love me per say, its more a love for you based on a self-love. That sounds like a very healthy basis for building a very healthy love, right? That’s why saying we love US is so profound and depicts a deeper aspect of our bubble and its perspective…

I did also acknowledge our differences. Propagated mostly by our upbringing and difference in experience. Which I think is awesome. Two whole halves starting at different points to ascertain life in depth. Just like having two eyes operating in tandem to capture the third dimension… I love nature and its wisdom. And I know you do too. :)”

– Q, excerpt from hand-written letter to S, 2/16/20

When you spend time focusing on loving yourself, you start to see the quality of love you deserve. Not only that, but you start to recognize all the things you love about yourself. This then starts to reveal the things you love about others. It truly starts with the self.

– S

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S+Q: When we see eachother.

Every time we go to visit, we always write to each other about how we’re feeling afterward. Something about it all is timeless, and unpacks what love means. I thought I’d share the love of our messages, just in time for Valentines.

Baby, every time we take center stage, I’m reminded of why I love you like I do. Everything you are… loving, smiling, laughing, and joyous. My light. The light of my light. I’m holding back a misty eye right now. You know when I wiped a tear on your left hand today… do you know what I was thinking when the tear came? I was thinking about how great you are… I don’t know how its supposed to feel. But I think this is it… I’m sure of it. Love wrapped in flesh…

– Q

“We’ve really always been this way, baby. Silly and fun and a little spontaneous. Dancing and singing and making shit up. Laughing and egging each other on. In that old video of us when we were 19, I’m making fun of you and hyping you up at the same time and laughing. There’s so much love in it and it’s clear you’re doing it to entertain yourself as much as you’re entertaining me. And that’s exactly how we are now. Having fun just because. I love it when we embarrass ourselves and each other because that’s just us and it’s our beautiful and corny love shining with no dullness in sight.”

– S

“S, we are given the chance to have love the way we want it. Unfiltered, pure, and true. We don’t have to be other people. We are us… people that aren’t too easy to understand… and yet, we understand each other… and love one another…”

– Q
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S: Lockdown Thoughts

This is a rare JPay letter sighting (written by Q) from late October. It’s important to note that this writing style and this platform is so familiar and intimate to me. It brings warmth to my day. There’s nothing like seeing a new message notification and reading new words from him. It represents a bit of the little things that some relationships may not have the ability to appreciate.

This is especially true since my relationship is subjected to a difficult time each quarter, where he’s on lockdown. This means that all of the inmates in Q’s specific facility spend most of their time in their cell and are not able to make phone calls or use their JPay tablets to send or receive emails for 1-2 weeks. And it’s unknown when they’ll get out. While I can’t call or write immediately, I am able to attend weekend visitation and write with snail mail.

In the meantime, little pieces of old notes like these help me get through it. Helps me remember why we do what we do and that we are growing during this time. That our love is making more roots and we gain more grounding and appreciation for what we have. A feeling that will last a lifetime. It reminds me that with time and true love, there is going to be some work. And that we are working harder than most couples in some ways, but also growing effortlessly.

I’ll share more as they come.

– S

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