Category: From S

Occasional notes from the sites’s editor/manager, S.

S: All That I Can Do

When I start to

think about you…

my heart gets heavy

and my knees get weak

trying to fill the void

of emptiness, I seek

anything to keep me

out of the dark stormy rain

that lives inside me.

When I start to

see the days go by…

My heart gets heavy,

knowing the things you’ve missed.

The life unlived,

and the kisses unkissed.

The wishes… still wished

that that day would soon come,

and the let downs would cease,

and in my arms you’d run

forever…

without the bars between us.

When I think about you,

but until then that’s all that I can do.

-S, 12/1/22

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S: Manifesting the Bubble

3 years ago Q and I created what we call the bubble. It’s a spiritual space to which we exist together where it’s just us. We’ve historically referenced it as something that relates to how we start to change as people as it grows.

Well something happened okay visit on Sunday the 15th.

I was sitting across from him feeling an overall sense of gratitude for his presence. It had been over 3 weeks since I’d last been there, and 3 weeks since I’d gotten to wrap my arms around him and feel the since of safety I’ve only felt from his spirit. I held his hand with both of mine and held it close. I closed my eyes and I instantly filled with emotion through my whole body. Tears started form in my eyes. He held me closer and closed his too. I later learned he was praying. The moment was beautiful. I was relishing in the fact that he was real and he was just pure love in the flesh. It was like I couldn’t turn the tears off. He wiped my eyes as they filled my mask and neither of us had words for what felt like 5 minutes.

We then hear the lady at the desk call his last name. He gets up to go talk to her and I instantly felt alone again. When he came back, he told me they are not allowing us to hold hands. Both of us were crushed, and he had a clear sense of anger. I knew our moment wasn’t over, even if it couldn’t be physical.

I put my hands in front of me and put it on what would have formed a giant sphere. I told him to do the same, and there we were: with our hands on an invisible ball. We both started putting our hands around it. I asked him what it felt like, what it looked like, what it sounded like. We spent time building on it and following each other’s hands and fingers, to the point where I couldn’t tell which one of us was leading the other. We put our hands through it. Like water, he said. We then took our hands out and into our hearts. Like the ball was generating enough energy and positivity to recharge us as individuals.

It was powerful. A huge representation of how they can never take this from us. How our love is a ball of energy that we can create between us regardless of physical space. He called the ball of energy the bubble and it clicked immediately. Manifestation of the bubble.

Q even used it on his own. “I manifested the bubble by myself earlier. Just moved my hands like we did at visit and inhaled it into my heart.” Part of me has been afraid to access it due to the overwhelming emotional potential, but I’m grateful to know I have it.

The bubble is home, the bubble is us. The bubble exists regardless of time and space and physicality. Like God.

-S

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S: The Roots Are Evident

Q and I have been fortunate to get back together at visit, as COVID cases have been at a steady low in Virginia. We’ve gotten to hold each other twice in March, which has been refreshing and reminding of how strong our connection really is. It hasn’t stopped us from being spiritual, and finding ways to connect by heart.

Last week, we challenged each other to write a haiku, and remember it, so that we could recite it face to face with each other.

Q’s Haiku:
Soon our day will come,
cutting through the morning dew –
finally, love is free.

S’s Haiku:
Spirit moves slowly,
Like two twin trees in the wind,
Love keeps them grounded.

The moment was beautiful, fun, and enhanced the overwhelming feeling of love within us. It sparked some beautiful conversation about how nature has always been a running theme in our relationship, and how some of the the strongest and oldest trees have exposed roots. Just like us, they stand tall, all while enduring the harshest and most brutal conditions year after year. Blooming with beauty and coming back no matter what happens to them. Our connection is just that.

-S

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Victory

There’s been a ruffle in the rift,
A shift in the tide,
A victory won that was –
But wasn’t mine.

Sending waves of tears big enough
To fill an entire glass,
Because they consist of dreams and
what’s locked in the past.
Afraid of letting go of hope,
Afraid of losing control,
While negative thoughts have been on a roll…

But then…
There’s love – always threatening to pull me through.
Reminding me in tough times that there’s always YOU
In the back of my mind pushing me to
Be at my best;
Breaking down barriers and shaking the rest.
Continuously showing me the light
And touching my spirit,
Holding the mirror to my face
To make sure I get it.
Protecting my being,
Even when im at my worst.
Holding yourself back,
All just to put me first…

Love…
Is what will always get me through.
Love…
It’s what brought me to you.
So I’ll fight through crying, laughter, anger,
and everything in between
Just to continue to show you
how much it means
To have you by my side
through thick and thin –
Making sure I always win.

– S, 1/14/22

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S: Our Spiritual Journey, the Second Year

Every once in a while, Q and I decide to write on an interesting topic for the blog at the same time. As an additional wild card, we don’t share the entries with one another until they’re both finished. No peeking. This month, we thought we’d reflect on how we’ve continued to grow together spiritually after 2+ years. Enjoy.

S:

It’s been a roller coaster of a time for us. Not being in the same room for almost 2 years really has a tendency to rattle beliefs and poke at hope.

That said, Q and I have gone through a rough summer and fall – a rough Mercury retrograde – and now, a lockdown that could last another week or more. It’s been 3 days now since I’ve heard his voice, so finishing this writing felt right because I’m in need of the reflection of our connection.

While the expression isn’t as erratic as it used to be, there’s no loss of passion. We still write to each other letters, write poetry and music and drawing pictures… still planning our future together. However, there’s a bigger baseline of faith between us.

Connecting on a deeper level isn’t always about the tangible things for us. I believe we have been praying similarly and working toward goals together. Meditating nightly and not forcing it if it’s not there. I’ve found in the past year, we spend more time talking about our meditations and dreams – and even HOW we prayed has become a regular point of conversation. It has inherently brought us closer and more grounded in each other.

In my own life, I’ve been struggling with heightened anxiety since the beginning of the pandemic. I can recall a time a couple months ago when Q was able to really help me dig deep into my control issues, and offered many words of encouragement and learnings he got from his own meditations and from studying tai chi. He really knows how to help balance me when I’m at my worst. There was a night when he gave me some advice so good I had to write it down as quotes on post it notes – so I could stick them around my space.

I was never really a meditating girl before him – but having a tool like this in my toolbox is exactly what I needed to be able to maintain stability in a situation like this. Letting go and keeping faith front and center is what it’s all about. Opening ourselves up to feel the flow of nature and allowing the little things to shine through is what we value most. Through a song lyric, seeing a plant grace our picture, smelling a flower, seeing the sun set, or hearing a bird chirp. Those are the kinds of things that make us feel love through spirit and I’m truly grateful.

Here’s to growing into many many more years of that feeling, regardless of where we are in the world. Faith, hope and love are the 3 things that we know will get us through it all.

– S

(To read the Q version, click here.)

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Q+S: The Second Year

August 14th marked our second trip around the sun together, and we wanted to take some time and think about all we’ve been through, and how the love still grows. We each took a step back separately and reflected on it. Pictured, is the beautiful drawing in the card that Q made for S.

Q:

It has been 730 days since S and I decided that we would act on our feelings and move out on the rest of our lives together. Ever since then we have experienced joys as well as sorrows, laughter as well as tears, but overall, we’ve experienced the depth of our love and its inability to fade.

We were only 7 months into our newly re-established relationship before the pandemic hit. Before then, she came to visit me 2-3 times a month before they stopped visitations well over a year ago. So, a majority of our time as a couple has been under the strain of no contact… And what a strain it has been. But it is evident that it cannot defeat us.

It is becoming more clear that there is no force in this world that can defeat us. Over 10 years, and the great love we possessed as teenagers has only become stronger through its perseverance. Time has not been able to stifle us and every once in a while our love seems to rebirth itself. We re-live feelings of the first day we locked eyes in the middle of a busy sidewalk, and our lives were recreated.

There has been 80 miles in between us every night for the past 2 years. But without a doubt, our prayers reach one another and fill our spirits and souls with presence. It makes the space in between us irrelevant at times.

The physical distance has actually prompted us to get creative and more in depth with our communication. Sure, trying to translate much of how we feel through word alone can be choppy at times. We even experienced our first impromptu ‘hang up’ during an argument on the day of our second anniversary. But I cannot deny that we are getting better and stronger with each obstacle we overcome. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard. Really hard.

For the weekend of our anniversary, S traveled to attend my mother’s wedding. I could not foresee just how much it would affect me. Maybe because I was too worried about how much it would effect her, but the pain of knowing she was there without me, oddly enough drove me to anger. An anger that became irritation, that become stress and resulted in an argument that ended up with her hanging up on me.

Regardless of every difficulty we’ve faced, the truth is undeniable. S and I share a love that is unlike anything I’ve encountered before. After 2 years of fighting for our love everyday, I only look forward to living loving and growing throughout this life with her by my side. For better or worse, our love thrives. Here’s to two years and the rest of forever.

– Q

S:

While I couldn’t imagine myself here in April 2018, here we are. I’ve discovered the greatest love I’ve ever known in a man, and I can’t touch him, smell him, see him or talk to him without being monitored.

It hasn’t been easy at all. Through the pandemic and its daily struggles, my anxiety has gotten the best of me this summer. I’ve been trying to take it easy and take care of myself. More meditation and more management of work / life balance. Thinking positively.

I’ve found myself taking the daily churn out on him. When I work too hard or over do it in my personal chores/errands or stressing myself out trying to make sure I’m being a good mother, daughter, and friend. He’s on the recieving end of my stress. And it reminds us that he’s not here, which causes more confusion and frustration.

What’s amazing is that Q is always there for me, helping me and showing me alternatives. Coaching me and sharing his own experiences and understanding. And though he isn’t here physically, our spiritual relationship is the perfect solution. Just the other day he shared some wisdom on patience, one being: “Hone in on the desire of stillness – it’s already there inside of you.”

Focusing in on things like that and being open to universal love, reminds me that I’m okay. When anxiety strikes sometimes I think: “I am away from the man I love every day and I handle it with grace.” While it seems uncanny, I truly believe that Q and I have it all. We spend a lot of time building things together, sharing ideas and writing eachother poetry and haikus. Listening to music together, writing stories and singing and dancing together. And my favorite – talking about how we will change the world when it comes to criminal and social justice reform. Presently, we’re working on Brilliance and working with SIP to end mass incarceration in Virginia through awareness and law changes. In the future, we plan to continue that work and do even more on the ground together, as he wants to be a lawyer.

We are not perfect and we will never be perfect, but the way we work together each day, and the way we work to understand eachother: offering support and encouragement, is how I know we have forever locked down. He’s my soulmate.

– S

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S: A Black Love Day Upgrade

TLDR; 2 months ago, the life of my love decided to upgrade what’s on my ring finger, as he wanted the world to know I was his.

After a tough start to 2021, February was no different. Q had been anxious about something he was sending me in the mail for weeks – he’s the most impatient person I know. He told me: “if a box comes in the mail, don’t open it until video visit, preferably a Valentine’s Day one.”

Of course I was super giddy and I scratched and scraped to make sure I was able to book a video visit for that day. Alas, they were all gone relatively quickly, since we ALL want to see our men that day in the absence of driving there. I was able to score a visit in the afternoon on black love day, a holiday we just learned about and decided to celebrate this year.

“We all know Valentine’s Day is meant for celebrating and acknowledging our significant other, but few have heard of the Feb. 13 alternative: Black Love Day, the third nationally commemorated African-American holiday. It is a day of atonement, reconciliation and celebration. In 1993, Ayo Handy-Kendi, the founder of the nonprofit African-American Holiday Association (AAHA), created Black Love Day. The holiday is based on five tenets: love toward the creator, love for self, love for the family, love for/within the black community and love for black people. The idea is to apply these tenets throughout the entire year in one’s daily life but to pay special homage to the idea of black love on Feb. 13.”

I think we found ourselves another holiday babe. Lol. When I read this I immediately thought of you and us and how we are and how I could see us really celebrating this holiday in life. While I love Valentine’s Day and stuff esp because it’s the 14th, I love the idea of black love day and what it celebrates and represents.

-S, from JPay Letter 1/28/21

I remember that day – I got the box in the mail on the 9th I believe, and it was a small box so I wasn’t sure what he had up his sleeve. He was almost more excited than I was to open the box.

That day of the visit finally arrived – 2pm. I tried to dress up a little bit and put on a little make up. For some reason, I was feeling anxious and nervous. Almost immediately after visit started he said ‘okay go get the box.’ I had to break the tape to get it off but when I did, there was a small black box and I knew what it was almost immediately. Inside was a silver ring. I freaked out.

‘Babe, will you marry me, babe?’ – were his exact words. As many words as he could get out because I was so excited to look at it and try it on and was freaking out. I almost forgot to say yes. I couldn’t believe he had done this.

We continued to talk about it on visit and throughout the day. I learned that he picked out the ring himself, out of a catalog that he has access to in there and ordered it with his own money he’d been saving. He said of all the engagement rings in the book, it looked the most like me as my style. He’s historically asked me for my ring size, but I have NO idea what it is and always said he thought I was a 7. Somehow, he was right.

Of course, I’ve been over the moon ever since. Even though we don’t know when we will get married legally, I still feel our souls binding through the universe, no matter how many miles we are apart. We want to wait until he’s released.

I still wear our wooden ring sometimes, as it’s a huge part of our story and is irreplaceable. This ring was born out of our current and established love, representing a cornerstone of where we are today.

-S

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S: Holiday Presence

Well, it’s the holidays again and as you all know, it’s a tough time for us, but more widely it’s a tough time for families of the incarcerated. Now, with a global pandemic, we can’t even go visit our loved ones at the facilities. To make it even worse, GTL and the DOC are cancelling video visits for many people, on Christmas. It’s truly tragic, especially for those people in prison who have spent well enough time in there and can come out and be a successful member of society; like my Q.

Sigh. Only time will tell if and when he will be released. But until that time, I like to think about the ring of presence we have built around us.

This Christmas, I’m surprising him with a series of letters dedicated to reminding him just how much can be done with creating our presence with each other no matter how far away we are. With a big restriction on mail, pictures and merchandise we can send to the prison. So I used a lot of my words and limited black and white copies of letters he can receive from me.

He’s gotten 2 out of 7 of them and has been absolutely elated to read the words and feel the love I put into them. We just had a conversation about how amazing it is to be able to love as hard as we want, because we were made for each-other and match each-others souls.

I’m so so grateful.

Happy holidays to all.

-S

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S: So Much for Physical Touch

Tough October indeed. Between my own personal life and how busy work has been for me… how we’ve seen no strides in our work for criminal justice reform for all, and no strides in Q’s personal paperwork for him to get out of prison… how we’ve been having small moments of miscommunicating… I miss him.

It’s been over 7 months since I’ve gotten to hold his hand. Just as long as the amount of time I had with him. I think about the pandemic and how some people have basically been trapped with their loved ones, their spouses, their other halves. But the community of prison significant others… we’ve gotten the complete opposite. The pandemic has taken what limited amount of time we got to spend hugging our men, holding their hand. Getting to be face to face and watching each other move. Getting to take each other in…. smell each other’s breaths and taste each other’s lips. Laugh together and have a snack together. Just being able to place one hand on his cheek and whisper, I love you.

It’s easy to take for granted having the love of your life next to you. It’s also easy to take for granted having one at all. Hold them close and tell them you love them today, if you can. And if you can’t, pray for them and thank God you have them in your life.

– S

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S: “Keep Being Amazing.”

I started this entry with this same headline almost a year ago, with a statement that says: “This is what he says to me, almost every morning before we get off the phone.” It’s something that’s been constant throughout our relationship.

‘Keep being amazing’ has been somewhat of a mantra of ours that means so much. It basically says – I’m proud of you, and what you do and what you give to the world is important. Go out there and be you with no apologies and no fear. Go out there and be your whole self and know that it’s enough.

The first time he said it to me was before we were what we are and when we just reconnected. He would see me go off to work knowing how bogged down I was. Managing my household and mothering my son and doing hula hoop shows. Making other people happy. He recognized how important it was for me to feel like I ‘HAD IT.’ That someone appreciated everything I was doing and all that I am. Those 3 simple words have always meant everything to me. Especially in the morning before having to start my day. It’s like he’s wrapped me in love and I can better give to others. Wrapped me in confidence and fearlessness, really just allowing myself to believe in MYSELF sooner and easier. It means the world to me to have that mindful energy toward making my day better. And hearing his voice perk up before the end of a phone call, saying ‘I love you, keep being amazing,’ is everything.

Since Q started doing print-based college courses, I’ve found myself saying it to him more often. His main focus has always been education. Throughout his time in prison, he has read textbooks freely, taking notes and learning science and psychology; learning tai chi and meditation and really immersing himself in all things books. Now he has the chance to prove it to the world and that’s all he wants to do. By getting a degree. I’m so so proud of him. I always have been. From writing all of these thought pieces about race and politics on his site BrillianceBehindBars.com, to always dedicating himself to tai chi and his mental and physical health, I’m just so proud. I love this man and everything he is.

– S

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