Q: A Prayer – “Every Year of Forever”

God, Overseer of Our Days,
may every time we cross paths, it be an instantaneous rekindling of our love at
first sight for both of us.

May loving one another continue to produce the most beautiful experiences we shall ever
have… only we, together, can totally
understand the sweet dream that is our love.

Let us, before God and all under
the blue sky, before everything that
crawls, walks, runs, and swims upon
God’s green earth… profess and acknowledge what we know to be true – that our coming together is God’s work.

Let the love of two forever amazed by one
another, continue to shine throughout an imperfect world, perfectly.

God, may you conintue to use our love as your own and a shining example, as it can
inspire our friends and ever-growing
Family, by which that same love shall endure.

God, allow us the depth of your eternal grace, as we continue to remember: When we put our heads together, we create a world that’s even better.

We respect the awesome power that is God, as it has forged the framework for the eternal force that is our love — love that is now, love that was then, love that is still, love always, love will and forever shine it’s reflection, our reflection throughout the sands of time.

Separate bodies, kindred souls, rebounded back by the ultimate unifying force, God’s original form – love – fashioned from a rib, created to be side and side. May our joy continue throughout our lives as a reflection of your joy that spans an eternity – a love that is true and pure, a love that is absolute, that it is formless yet never changes… love, threefold and forever and ever.

April 25, 2022 0

Q: Manifesting Integrity

The penitentiary is full of desperation. In such a dark place for such a long time, the aliment of the human condition and all its imperfection is sure to come to surface. It is not hard to imagine how undervalued the virtue of integrity may be to a person fully submerged in the distractions of our modern society and all the demands that come from it. Even behind the prison walls, there is a heavy emphasis on respect (an essential concept for the coexistence of men forced to live in extremely close quarters), but integrity becomes more of footnote to such an idea.

I have been incarcerated for over a decade and one thing I’ve come to fully understand is that my power to change is firmly rooted deep within my sense of self — my integrity. In the menagerie of men, concrete, and steel, it is easy to drift into a sea of obscurity — a place where you can easily lose yourself… the acquisition of integrity is the only thing that can help you maintain. Maintaining your identity is a necessary key in the goal of greater self discovery and personal growth and the overcoming of the sad state that is arrested development experienced by many who are imprisoned.

To be a raindrop in the middle of the ocean and maintain your shape… that is integrity. I’ve found my search for greater integrity has lead me to seek a greater grasp on truth, admire honesty, and achieve a level of character that is solid, sturdy, and principled. I’ve found that in the course of being encouraged to be honesty with others, I’ve gain a more objective outlook in general and inevitably, I am more honest with myself– this is the strength of integrity.

I cannot imagine my life without being on this journey. It has improved my life immeasurably. My self image is incorrigible, my relationships have improved with family and friends, and I feel like there is direction for my future, even after being behind bars for so long. Purpose, cause, and destiny have all become perceivable to me through eyes of integrity.

-Q, 3/20/2022

March 27, 2022 0

Q: Second Year of a Relationship and It’s Spiritual Growth

Every once in a while, Q and I decide to write on an interesting topic for the blog at the same time. As an additional wild card, we don’t share the entries with one another until they’re both finished. No peeking. This month, we thought we’d reflect on how we’ve continued to grow together spiritually after 2+ years. Enjoy.

Q:

It has been over two years since S and I re-engaged our love story. One of the most interesting things about that is that no matter how far apart we were, for however long, we’ve managed to still be alike in so many ways. We still both love to dance, sing, laugh, and love. It seemed as if time could not fade it, it has only made it stronger. But above all that, there was something that we didn’t share enough of as kids… our spirituality. As adults, S and I both embraced a diligent search for our more spiritual selves and we have bonded over that search and it has become one of the greatest pillars in maintaining our very fruitful and loving long distance relationship.

My entire incarceration has been an opportunity to build a spiritual discipline. Since being locked up, I’ve read an array of books and practiced meditation for the last 13 years; and most recently taken up Tai Chi. There came a point were I felt like I mastered meditation. I was unbound and completely detached from the hostile and mind numbing, monotonous world of imprisonment. I didn’t realize at the time that I was nowhere near mastery. Soon, the universe would send me a reminder.

August 14th, 2019, S and I decided that we would be together even though we were miles apart. From that point on, the world began a light speed crash course for my emotions and mind. I was plunging back into an emotional life of caring, concern, and attachment. I stressed and felt unbelievable pressure as I was jolting back into a world beyond my aloof present. Regrets of the past, fears of the future, feeling of helplessness over control of my world… all things I thought were no more, had resurfaced from their mere suppression and assaulting my inner spaces. It was like a struggle I never experienced before. That was the first year.

Being in a long distance relationship can pose a lot of problems for any couple. Being in a relationship where one of you are in prison, can be one thousand times more stressful. S and I have extremely limited physical contact and phone calls aren’t always ideal. But we have a spiritual connection and a desire to strengthen it. We focus on what we call, our “spiritual love.” We try to reach one another in a way that is beyond physical. It’s presence we miss, so its presence we try to project. We try to synchronize our prayer and meditation times in an attempt to channel one another.

I’ve realized that the type of discipline I engaged before being in this relationship was only foundational at best. What I understand now is that spirituality is not only for yourself, it is to be emitted to those in your life. Spirituality is about connecting and bridging the gap between what seems to be separate. S being at the center of my journey with me has allowed me to better express my love to my family, friends, and even random people I encounter in my daily happenings. I feel more sensitive to life and more alive because it.

S’s presence pushes me to reach out, not withdraw in, learning to bring a lot of my internal growth out into the atmosphere. It hasn’t been easy. In fact, this has been the greatest challenge I ever had to endure. but I know, just the bit of growth I have achieved in the last few years is a million times greater than the 10 years I’ve walked this journey alone. And to be honest, I welcome the lifetime of new levels I can see over the horizon, as S and I set out on our forever journey of love, life, and continuous spiritual growth.

-Q

(To read the S version, click here.)

November 8, 2021 1

Q+S: The Second Year

August 14th marked our second trip around the sun together, and we wanted to take some time and think about all we’ve been through, and how the love still grows. We each took a step back separately and reflected on it. Pictured, is the beautiful drawing in the card that Q made for S.

Q:

It has been 730 days since S and I decided that we would act on our feelings and move out on the rest of our lives together. Ever since then we have experienced joys as well as sorrows, laughter as well as tears, but overall, we’ve experienced the depth of our love and its inability to fade.

We were only 7 months into our newly re-established relationship before the pandemic hit. Before then, she came to visit me 2-3 times a month before they stopped visitations well over a year ago. So, a majority of our time as a couple has been under the strain of no contact… And what a strain it has been. But it is evident that it cannot defeat us.

It is becoming more clear that there is no force in this world that can defeat us. Over 10 years, and the great love we possessed as teenagers has only become stronger through its perseverance. Time has not been able to stifle us and every once in a while our love seems to rebirth itself. We re-live feelings of the first day we locked eyes in the middle of a busy sidewalk, and our lives were recreated.

There has been 80 miles in between us every night for the past 2 years. But without a doubt, our prayers reach one another and fill our spirits and souls with presence. It makes the space in between us irrelevant at times.

The physical distance has actually prompted us to get creative and more in depth with our communication. Sure, trying to translate much of how we feel through word alone can be choppy at times. We even experienced our first impromptu ‘hang up’ during an argument on the day of our second anniversary. But I cannot deny that we are getting better and stronger with each obstacle we overcome. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard. Really hard.

For the weekend of our anniversary, S traveled to attend my mother’s wedding. I could not foresee just how much it would affect me. Maybe because I was too worried about how much it would effect her, but the pain of knowing she was there without me, oddly enough drove me to anger. An anger that became irritation, that become stress and resulted in an argument that ended up with her hanging up on me.

Regardless of every difficulty we’ve faced, the truth is undeniable. S and I share a love that is unlike anything I’ve encountered before. After 2 years of fighting for our love everyday, I only look forward to living loving and growing throughout this life with her by my side. For better or worse, our love thrives. Here’s to two years and the rest of forever.

– Q

S:

While I couldn’t imagine myself here in April 2018, here we are. I’ve discovered the greatest love I’ve ever known in a man, and I can’t touch him, smell him, see him or talk to him without being monitored.

It hasn’t been easy at all. Through the pandemic and its daily struggles, my anxiety has gotten the best of me this summer. I’ve been trying to take it easy and take care of myself. More meditation and more management of work / life balance. Thinking positively.

I’ve found myself taking the daily churn out on him. When I work too hard or over do it in my personal chores/errands or stressing myself out trying to make sure I’m being a good mother, daughter, and friend. He’s on the recieving end of my stress. And it reminds us that he’s not here, which causes more confusion and frustration.

What’s amazing is that Q is always there for me, helping me and showing me alternatives. Coaching me and sharing his own experiences and understanding. And though he isn’t here physically, our spiritual relationship is the perfect solution. Just the other day he shared some wisdom on patience, one being: “Hone in on the desire of stillness – it’s already there inside of you.”

Focusing in on things like that and being open to universal love, reminds me that I’m okay. When anxiety strikes sometimes I think: “I am away from the man I love every day and I handle it with grace.” While it seems uncanny, I truly believe that Q and I have it all. We spend a lot of time building things together, sharing ideas and writing eachother poetry and haikus. Listening to music together, writing stories and singing and dancing together. And my favorite – talking about how we will change the world when it comes to criminal and social justice reform. Presently, we’re working on Brilliance and working with SIP to end mass incarceration in Virginia through awareness and law changes. In the future, we plan to continue that work and do even more on the ground together, as he wants to be a lawyer.

We are not perfect and we will never be perfect, but the way we work together each day, and the way we work to understand eachother: offering support and encouragement, is how I know we have forever locked down. He’s my soulmate.

– S

August 24, 2021 0

Q: Poor Man’s Pride

Hold on to everything, like it will all fly away.

Your pride, your truth, and all honesty ways.

Your speech, your logic, your poise and esteem,

But body and mind will still leave with the dream.

Oh poor man! Oh begger! Oh all righteous one!

Time ticks for us all and fate will ensue,

Oh hater of filth and lover of sun.

True things won’t transcend, but how about you.

– Q, 7/29/21

July 30, 2021 0

Q: JPay Poetry – A Visit From a Muse

This was written by Q, during a 10-minute break between video visits.

A crack in the sky
would not be as mesmerizing
As your smiling eyes.

A glowing fire,
lights behind the windows
which guard your soul.

A vision of your skin paints the inside
of my mind
with vexatious delight.

A portion of my being lies with you always Guiding my body through the trials of time –
Closer to your embrace.

Given the dawn as a gift,
I would deliver you the day.
Given the moon as a prize,
We would make sure the night shines.
Given 10 minutes,
I would attempt to describe the endless
depths of my love for you.
Given a lifetime,
I would ensure that you experience it forever.

-Q, 5/19/21

May 22, 2021 0

Q: Love and Freedom

Some would think of prison as a physical confinement. That ‘some’ would not be wrong. But to see prison solely as a physical thing is erroneous…

There is somewhat a cliché phrase for anyone who has been imprisoned for a time… “Just being in prison, doesn’t mean you’re not free. And just because you’re free, doesn’t mean you’re not in prison.” It refers to being confined mentally. Many who are in prison are not confined mentally. I believe I am one who is mentally free.

My mind is not bound by time, as I’m always looking to the future… nor is it bound by space – I do not allow the concrete, steel, and occasional BS to invade my thoughts. It was not always like that for me. It is a level of mind I reached within the first five years of my incarceration. I’m not sure exactly what thought came to me and changed my mind, but something altered the way I see the world. Alter is a strong word, but it felt as if I was finally truly myself.

I believe that the spirit of an individual houses one’s faith. When we speak of faith, most commonly one can’t see its true effect if not for confidence. Whatever came to me gave me a great sense of confidence. This confidence was not solely in myself – it gave me confidence in the idea that if I pursued righteousness unwaveringly, that I would be looked after by the universe (God). Ever since that moment of understanding, I’ve prayed only to become more attuned to that sense.

I’ve stayed true to that idea. Unwaveringly? I’m getting there. Everyday, moving towards that image… and as promised, the universe has kept me. It has supplied me with a unmatched divine love in the form of my fiancé, who has been a light and a motive force for me, who believes in me. I really can’t tell the difference between the universe and her. She is literally my everything. I do not believe that our being to together is anything outside of divine intervention. My dreams, my hopes, and my prayers all seem possible through her… I dare not say I understand the universal force and its grand design, but if it is anything like people say it is, then undoubtedly, it answered my prayers by sending an angel…

I ask everyone who believes that God is Love, to remain open and increase in your faith, fore God is real and is always listening… and benevolent… and always answers prayers.

– Q, 2/9/21

February 14, 2021 0

Q: Dawning Sky

Light loves the skin
With an awakening warmth,
Your smile plays on the horizon of my mind,
A dawn of a purple sky…
Your love
never leaves me.

A caged bird sings,
Slumber out of sight,
Love leaves it sleepless
because the love never leaves.

Oh God,
you pour into my soul a sweet nectar –
something belonging to,
but unpossessed.
A nourishing love
Life-giving,
where once a man was dead to the living.
That nectar,
what man sought during dark times…
That nectar…
The elixir of life… the secret to immortality.

God, why do you find me –
a faithless, lowly man, a crook and a thief –
worthy of such a prize?
Worthy of love
that lights the dawning sky.

– Q, 1/29/21

January 31, 2021 0

Q: Bringing Love Into 2021

The start of 2021 is already two days in, and along with the rest of the world, S and I have experienced a lot of strain from the past year.

Unfortunately, we’ve had to experience the difficulties of love in 2020, alongside the already-hard-enough circumstance of my incarceration. Without the aid of face-to-face visit, we’ve had muster up more of that spiritual energy to keep us in a comfortable, constant contact. It’s funny to say we are quite dependent of each other… but in light of all that, we have always placed a lot of focus on the spiritual body of our relationship. It’s interesting to know just how much we can have a healthy and fruitful relationship, even with the serious lack of physical presence. It’s very beautiful and somewhat enlightening.

Being the optimist I am, I looked at this year as a great opportunity to keep increasing the strength of our spiritual foundation, in turn, our foundation overall. That opportunity did not come without its drawbacks. Our bickering increased slightly and the reality of our situation set in more and more over the time. We both had to deal with the worry of one of the other contracting the virus and not being able to be there if it happened… it was a real fear of mine… nevertheless, we’ve found new depths to our ability to work through struggles and find solutions.

I’m actually proud of our resilience and the way we are able to translate a lot of our love in its healing power through voice alone. Do not misconstrue, though – its not all rainbows and sunshine. S told me of a quote she saw on social media. It said something like: “In relationships and marriage, you have to choose love everyday…” and I take that quote as saying that… its a choice, and choices take a little mental effort, and effort entails work. So you have work at it… just like a muscle, working it out strengthens it. So we are working at it, and strengthening our love muscles, lol.

S and I also have come to find that love is creative, and she proved her mastery of that particular principle this holiday season. Normally, the holidays are hard for us, being the season for being with family and loved ones, its easy to get sucked into the fact that we don’t have the advantage of physically being with each other for that special time. However, keeping love in sight is like a lifesaving rope to pull you out of quicksand.

S set a theme for this season – Presence Over Presents. She created a series of letters, sent by mail, that focused on concepts like family, smiles, music, and home, that which we’ve found our relationship to be centered on. These letters had so much love and thought in them, I don’t think I read one without tearing up a bit. They definitely did their job and transported S’s spirit in full force to my side throughout that week and beyond…

My hope for this year is that we continue to grow together at the same light-speed momentum we’ve always had, even though a majority of our being together is physically at a distance for now. I find myself constantly thanking God that S returned to my life. Her love has always been transformative for me and remnant of a teenaged love we shared over a decade ago. No step missed, no spark lost…

I leave you with this… for anyone who has found themselves in a dark place, alone and wanting, I pray you can find a love that will inspire you to live like it matters. I believe God intended for love to be the motivator, and I’m happy I’ve found mine… and I pray you find yours…

Love is the light of a future unbound, one who possesses love possesses the key to life and its unlimited potential…

– Q, written 1/2/21

Feature photos illustrated by Q, 12/16/20

January 5, 2021 0

Q: Our Force

A lot has changed within the year of S and I’s recoupling. Not with us and our interaction – more the world around us, what resides outside the bubble. A pandemic, protests, and all the chaotic conditions that accompany great change…

Yet amongst the all the volatility, S and I have found great solace in our being together, even when miles apart…

With a limited physical aspect in our relationship, S and I focus more on building on the spiritual body of us. Meditation and prayer are a major underpin we share to help strengthen us internally to be able to withstand the great need for touch…

This year has been very trying. S has undergone a lot of added pressures with the changes of her routine and having to working from home. Plus, the halting of visitation had put heavy strain on our relationship… we’ve bickered more than ever, HA! At a time earlier in our relationship, I was actually worried that we wouldn’t bicker and probably wouldn’t know how to handle it when the time came… boy was I wrong! We are both pretty opinionated, but rarely share it with people. But as with most difficulties in communication, our wanting to understand each other is very powerful – we find ourselves overcoming and becoming stronger for it.

June the 14th, was our ten month anniversary and marks a very important day, I believe. It started off with a newly found tradition of anniversary video visits, which was amazing because we haven’t seen each other in quite a while and I think that has taken its toll on us in very specific ways. But I digress. We followed that up with an hour long wholesome conversation…

But the highlight of the day was actually late at night. S and I had spoken to each other about meditations, trying to set our intentions. I meditated on the destiny of our love and all the coincidences that lead up to us sharing this time onto forever we share.

I visualize The Force that moved everything into place for us… I, myself am a believer in God, as the dispenser of cause, destiny, and justice, related that same source that has placed us together is the same source that placed the stars in the sky and throughout existence… I shared that with S and was so happy when she told me she gathered a lot out of that idea… Once again, being the big romantics we are, we found a path to some greater truth and built spiritual strength from examining the happenstance of our love…

Hopefully… knowingly, there is a lot more to come from our great respect and love for each other. We grow higher and closer everyday… I know what they mean when they say God is Love… I’m still praying and living to experience a deeper, fuller, more divine love, and with S by my side, I know its all possible…

-Q, 6/16/20

June 17, 2020 0