Q: Bringing Love Into 2021

The start of 2021 is already two days in, and along with the rest of the world, S and I have experienced a lot of strain from the past year.

Unfortunately, we’ve had to experience the difficulties of love in 2020, alongside the already-hard-enough circumstance of my incarceration. Without the aid of face-to-face visit, we’ve had muster up more of that spiritual energy to keep us in a comfortable, constant contact. It’s funny to say we are quite dependent of each other… but in light of all that, we have always placed a lot of focus on the spiritual body of our relationship. It’s interesting to know just how much we can have a healthy and fruitful relationship, even with the serious lack of physical presence. It’s very beautiful and somewhat enlightening.

Being the optimist I am, I looked at this year as a great opportunity to keep increasing the strength of our spiritual foundation, in turn, our foundation overall. That opportunity did not come without its drawbacks. Our bickering increased slightly and the reality of our situation set in more and more over the time. We both had to deal with the worry of one of the other contracting the virus and not being able to be there if it happened… it was a real fear of mine… nevertheless, we’ve found new depths to our ability to work through struggles and find solutions.

I’m actually proud of our resilience and the way we are able to translate a lot of our love in its healing power through voice alone. Do not misconstrue, though – its not all rainbows and sunshine. S told me of a quote she saw on social media. It said something like: “In relationships and marriage, you have to choose love everyday…” and I take that quote as saying that… its a choice, and choices take a little mental effort, and effort entails work. So you have work at it… just like a muscle, working it out strengthens it. So we are working at it, and strengthening our love muscles, lol.

S and I also have come to find that love is creative, and she proved her mastery of that particular principle this holiday season. Normally, the holidays are hard for us, being the season for being with family and loved ones, its easy to get sucked into the fact that we don’t have the advantage of physically being with each other for that special time. However, keeping love in sight is like a lifesaving rope to pull you out of quicksand.

S set a theme for this season – Presence Over Presents. She created a series of letters, sent by mail, that focused on concepts like family, smiles, music, and home, that which we’ve found our relationship to be centered on. These letters had so much love and thought in them, I don’t think I read one without tearing up a bit. They definitely did their job and transported S’s spirit in full force to my side throughout that week and beyond…

My hope for this year is that we continue to grow together at the same light-speed momentum we’ve always had, even though a majority of our being together is physically at a distance for now. I find myself constantly thanking God that S returned to my life. Her love has always been transformative for me and remnant of a teenaged love we shared over a decade ago. No step missed, no spark lost…

I leave you with this… for anyone who has found themselves in a dark place, alone and wanting, I pray you can find a love that will inspire you to live like it matters. I believe God intended for love to be the motivator, and I’m happy I’ve found mine… and I pray you find yours…

Love is the light of a future unbound, one who possesses love possesses the key to life and its unlimited potential…

– Q, written 1/2/21

Feature photos illustrated by Q, 12/16/20

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S: Holiday Presence

Well, it’s the holidays again and as you all know, it’s a tough time for us, but more widely it’s a tough time for families of the incarcerated. Now, with a global pandemic, we can’t even go visit our loved ones at the facilities. To make it even worse, GTL and the DOC are cancelling video visits for many people, on Christmas. It’s truly tragic, especially for those people in prison who have spent well enough time in there and can come out and be a successful member of society; like my Q.

Sigh. Only time will tell if and when he will be released. But until that time, I like to think about the ring of presence we have built around us.

This Christmas, I’m surprising him with a series of letters dedicated to reminding him just how much can be done with creating our presence with each other no matter how far away we are. With a big restriction on mail, pictures and merchandise we can send to the prison. So I used a lot of my words and limited black and white copies of letters he can receive from me.

He’s gotten 2 out of 7 of them and has been absolutely elated to read the words and feel the love I put into them. We just had a conversation about how amazing it is to be able to love as hard as we want, because we were made for each-other and match each-others souls.

I’m so so grateful.

Happy holidays to all.

-S

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S: So Much for Physical Touch

Tough October indeed. Between my own personal life and how busy work has been for me… how we’ve seen no strides in our work for criminal justice reform for all, and no strides in Q’s personal paperwork for him to get out of prison… how we’ve been having small moments of miscommunicating… I miss him.

It’s been over 7 months since I’ve gotten to hold his hand. Just as long as the amount of time I had with him. I think about the pandemic and how some people have basically been trapped with their loved ones, their spouses, their other halves. But the community of prison significant others… we’ve gotten the complete opposite. The pandemic has taken what limited amount of time we got to spend hugging our men, holding their hand. Getting to be face to face and watching each other move. Getting to take each other in…. smell each other’s breaths and taste each other’s lips. Laugh together and have a snack together. Just being able to place one hand on his cheek and whisper, I love you.

It’s easy to take for granted having the love of your life next to you. It’s also easy to take for granted having one at all. Hold them close and tell them you love them today, if you can. And if you can’t, pray for them and thank God you have them in your life.

– S

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S: “Keep Being Amazing.”

I started this entry with this same headline almost a year ago, with a statement that says: “This is what he says to me, almost every morning before we get off the phone.” It’s something that’s been constant throughout our relationship.

‘Keep being amazing’ has been somewhat of a mantra of ours that means so much. It basically says – I’m proud of you, and what you do and what you give to the world is important. Go out there and be you with no apologies and no fear. Go out there and be your whole self and know that it’s enough.

The first time he said it to me was before we were what we are and when we just reconnected. He would see me go off to work knowing how bogged down I was. Managing my household and mothering my son and doing hula hoop shows. Making other people happy. He recognized how important it was for me to feel like I ‘HAD IT.’ That someone appreciated everything I was doing and all that I am. Those 3 simple words have always meant everything to me. Especially in the morning before having to start my day. It’s like he’s wrapped me in love and I can better give to others. Wrapped me in confidence and fearlessness, really just allowing myself to believe in MYSELF sooner and easier. It means the world to me to have that mindful energy toward making my day better. And hearing his voice perk up before the end of a phone call, saying ‘I love you, keep being amazing,’ is everything.

Since Q started doing print-based college courses, I’ve found myself saying it to him more often. His main focus has always been education. Throughout his time in prison, he has read textbooks freely, taking notes and learning science and psychology; learning tai chi and meditation and really immersing himself in all things books. Now he has the chance to prove it to the world and that’s all he wants to do. By getting a degree. I’m so so proud of him. I always have been. From writing all of these thought pieces about race and politics on his site BrillianceBehindBars.com, to always dedicating himself to tai chi and his mental and physical health, I’m just so proud. I love this man and everything he is.

– S

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Q+S: 1st Anniversary

Q and I celebrated our first year of love and happiness on August 14th. While I didn’t post about it then, I still think about it. We had a beautiful video visit, and exchanged written (and drawn gifts.) We wrote poetry and letters to each other, and prayed together for many more.

The feature photo is something he sketched for me, and here’s what I wrote for him.

When push comes to shove,

When ground was above,

When life came to love,

There was you.

When curves were aligned,

When stars came to shine,

When God warped the time,

There was you.

You, my destiny in flesh form –

Meant to walk the earth together,

as one.

Meant to walk the earth together –

As king and queen,

Hand in hand,

Taking on

everything.

There was you,

when I was at my worst.

Believing in me, and putting me first.

Loving me and bringing me joy –

Laughing with me, and bringing me presence,

Clearing my stresses,

Creating OUR essence.

You, my everything, in soul form.

Flaws and all, and everyday

I want more.

Flaws and all, and everyday –

You choose me.

Recognizing now and then

how it’s supposed to be.

There was you,

when I ain’t have nothing left

Protecting me, in your heart you kept –

Faith and hope and love in the darkest hours

Trust me when I say what’s mine is ours

We’re climbing the highest towers,

Using our super powers…

Love –

The magic, before my eyes.

On August 14th,

There was you.

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S: My Quarantine Birthday

Never did I think I’d also somehow have a quarantine birthday, but alas, here we are.

It’s still very much the ‘pandemic times’ right now so we didn’t get to see eachother in person. But luckily I got to start the day off with a video visit with him. Coffee time, which was beautiful.

A couple days prior to that, I received a package in the mail addressed to me. I knew what it was because he had spoiled the surprise of what he’d gotten me for my birthday, but I didn’t know what it looked like. I unwrapped the box and pulled it out, and it’s a beautiful little bonsai tree. An outdoor juniper bonsai. I love that he listens. He knows how much I love plants and the joy they bring to me.

He and I named him together. Going back and forth. Once told him that it seemed male, we started talking about boy names and couldn’t land on one. I told him that the tree was spikey, but soft and gentle. Small but mighty. He thought about it for a while and said – ‘what about Sonic? Like the hedgehog, who shares those same qualities.’ It was perfect. We shared an equal like for the movie, and both enjoyed the video game as kids. ‘Sonic the Bonsai’ I said.

I also got a beautiful handmade card from him. Another surprise. I waited to open it until my birthday. He had written a sweet little diddy, a birthday poem if you will. It made me smile…

“July 21st, a very special birth,
heaven opened up and an angel grazed the earth,

Oh, S. Dae!
special in every S. way,
the greatest of the greatest
birthday of birthdays.

All hail the Queen,
the only reason I’m a King,
and I’ve been enamored since the first “whatchu mean!?” 🙂

To my Queen, to my goddess
whom I love, respect, trust and adore,

Happy Birthday, my Lady and Love,
and to you, a million more…”

The best part about the day was that he felt very present. We didn’t get to talk much on the phone that day due to the Covid cases and lockdowns going on at his facility… but he was with me all day, even though he wasn’t. He made me feel so special and fills me with so much joy. I’m so so grateful. Happy birthday to me.

– S

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S: Trenton, the Emerald Tree.

Like a lot of black people during the pandemic, I’ve become a self-proclaimed plant mom. I’ve been falling in love with house plants of all kinds, and rekindling my affinity for gardening and caring for my friends that are green.

Most recently I went on a hunt for a gift for a coworker at Trader Joe’s, and realized they had beautiful ‘tropical plants’ of all kinds. I couldn’t help shopping for myself, as they were cost effective! I have been running out of space for all of my plants, so I didn’t want to get too many. I limited myself to two and found it hard to choose. There was one small plant, very lively and beautiful. I was going back and forth between that one and another, and something kicked me to get this small tree. For some reason, it didn’t have a tag for what kind of plant it was, just a ‘tropical plant care’ tag. I figured it needed a good home and I loved it. So it came home with me. I sat it in my favorite pot and it looked gorgeous. It has been there for almost a week now. Just thriving.

Today, Sunday, is my weekly plant time to check the soil, water, and sing to all my babies. I came across an article on Medium about how house plants aren’t just a trend for black women, but a means to a spiritual passage. I felt that deep in my soul, as I find myself praying for and over the plants that come into my home… naming them and feeling close to them.

I haven’t paid too much attention to this new tree until today, realizing it needed a name – and that it gave me male vibes. I couldn’t come up with a name immediately, so I asked Q – who loves naming our future children, if he would name him. Needless to say, he was HONORED and was so excited. We always get into discussions of names and that they mean and how they’re presented.

‘What about Trent?,’ he wrote to me. ‘Trenton.’ No doubt in my mind, I loved it. Trent, it is. A little bit later, I dubbed him Trenton.

Q wanted to know what kind of tree he was. I told him I didn’t know and that I wanted to find out. Now, I had done some previous searching and was unable to find any trace of what with tree was, so I gave up. Anxious, because Q wanted to know as well, I downloaded one of those plant identifier apps that allows you to take a picture to determine its type. I signed up for the free trial and everything.

The result came quickly, and took my breath away.

It’s an Emerald tree.

Immediately I started to feel emotion in the pit of my stomach, my chest, my throat, my face. I started to bawl uncontrollably. Tears running down my eyes and sobs roaring from the depths of my chest.

Emeralds have always been a topic of discussion when it comes to Q and I. Not only is green my favorite color of all time, all shades, but Q and I have had many discussions about me having an emerald engagement ring. About what the color means and what the stone itself means…

“St. Hildegard of Bingen, the noted lithologist, declared, “All the green of nature is concentrated within the Emerald.” [Megemont, 80-81] Representing youth in the age of man, the power of this lush crystal stirs the soul like the heart of spring, symbolizing hope and the future, renewal and growth. It is a Seeker of Love and a Revealer of Truth, inspiring an ongoing search for meaning, justice, compassion and harmony.

Called the “Stone of Successful Love,” Emerald opens and nurtures the heart and the Heart Chakra. Its soothing energy provides healing to all levels of the being, bringing freshness and vitality to the spirit. A stone of inspiration and infinite patience, it embodies unity, compassion and unconditional love. Emerald promotes friendship, balance between partners, and is particularly known for providing domestic bliss, contentment and loyalty. It was dedicated in the ancient world to the goddess Venus for its ability to insure security in love.”

It’s love… unconditional, young, pure, and free. Nature, harmony, the universe… God.

This tree undoubtedly is a representation of our force. Representation of our growth and constant strive for the balance of love and life. Representation of our ability to be one. A reminder to lead by heart and breathe life into every day by working together to achieve harmony.

I’m grateful for the moment, through my tears. I feel lighter this morning, releasing the emotions from my body and into life. Grateful for this physical manifestation of our love, as granted by the universe.

– S

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Q: Our Force

A lot has changed within the year of S and I’s recoupling. Not with us and our interaction – more the world around us, what resides outside the bubble. A pandemic, protests, and all the chaotic conditions that accompany great change…

Yet amongst the all the volatility, S and I have found great solace in our being together, even when miles apart…

With a limited physical aspect in our relationship, S and I focus more on building on the spiritual body of us. Meditation and prayer are a major underpin we share to help strengthen us internally to be able to withstand the great need for touch…

This year has been very trying. S has undergone a lot of added pressures with the changes of her routine and having to working from home. Plus, the halting of visitation had put heavy strain on our relationship… we’ve bickered more than ever, HA! At a time earlier in our relationship, I was actually worried that we wouldn’t bicker and probably wouldn’t know how to handle it when the time came… boy was I wrong! We are both pretty opinionated, but rarely share it with people. But as with most difficulties in communication, our wanting to understand each other is very powerful – we find ourselves overcoming and becoming stronger for it.

June the 14th, was our ten month anniversary and marks a very important day, I believe. It started off with a newly found tradition of anniversary video visits, which was amazing because we haven’t seen each other in quite a while and I think that has taken its toll on us in very specific ways. But I digress. We followed that up with an hour long wholesome conversation…

But the highlight of the day was actually late at night. S and I had spoken to each other about meditations, trying to set our intentions. I meditated on the destiny of our love and all the coincidences that lead up to us sharing this time onto forever we share.

I visualize The Force that moved everything into place for us… I, myself am a believer in God, as the dispenser of cause, destiny, and justice, related that same source that has placed us together is the same source that placed the stars in the sky and throughout existence… I shared that with S and was so happy when she told me she gathered a lot out of that idea… Once again, being the big romantics we are, we found a path to some greater truth and built spiritual strength from examining the happenstance of our love…

Hopefully… knowingly, there is a lot more to come from our great respect and love for each other. We grow higher and closer everyday… I know what they mean when they say God is Love… I’m still praying and living to experience a deeper, fuller, more divine love, and with S by my side, I know its all possible…

-Q, 6/16/20

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Joint Meditation: “If you and I are possible, anything is possible.”

Celebrating our 10th month together, Q and I spent some time meditating yesterday and building our spiritual force.

“My meditation was good. It focused on the nature of God. My focal point was the force that brought us together… It’s the same force that sets everything in motion… the Force, babe… all the destiny involved in our chanced love. It was all set in motion by a force. This force guides all things to their purpose and position. We can become more familiar with this force by trying to feel its influence in our entire relationship… God is Love. Seek the nature of love, you’ll find the nature of God… Feel the force that pushes us together and feel how that force is enveloping the whole universe. That’s God…”

– Q, Note to S, 6/14/20

He continues to teach me so much about my own spiritual power and faith, aiding me on my spiritual journey. I’m so grateful. With his guidance, I had my own exploration.

I focused on what you’ve called the force. What was cool about it was it was easy to weave in and out of what was going through me. I kept getting flashes of us and how we are just straight up POSSIBLE. If you and I are possible, anything is possible.

-S, Note to Q, 6/15/20

After my meditation and prayer on the subject, I grabbed our notebook which was nearby, and started to write. A reflection, I guess you can call it. Here’s a little bit of it.

“The nature of God… the force… destiny. I could see us. Day 1 until now, the future. Thinking of all the things that brought us together, even though odds were low. We overcame them one by one. We were supposed to know eachother.

I saw colors… blue and orange mixed together, like a sunset. The sky. I saw us, harnessing our power. I feel we are going to change the world. I think you hold the blue, and me the orange – together, we make a big energy that’s pinkish purpleish. It’s beautiful. I could see it.”

– S, 6/14/20, Notebook

From now on, Q and I are going to try and have a meditation each month on the 14th, focusing on our power. Our force.

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