Q: Love, is a puzzle.

I was sitting around reading some of Q’s old (JPay) letters we shared when we first reconnected a couple years ago. We were going back and forth about whether or not what we shared back then was love or lust. We went back and forth a bit and he shared something with me that I read now and realize that he has always been TRUE. That his motives and his feelings and his… I don’t know! He was literally sweeping me off my feet and I didn’t even know it.

A Quick Synopsis of Love:
To best describe love, I would use the analogy of a puzzle… at first, the picture is created as a whole, then it is cut into individual pieces with unique shapes that entail exactly where they belong, and what other pieces they belong with in order to complete the entire picture…

“If you love someone, then you got to let them go…” Truly, if you loved someone, then you never really possessed them in the first place. People make the fatal mistake of believing they control everything; and to a degree, they are correct. But love is a force of nature and beyond one’s control. Our shapes were determined by the creator of the puzzle.
You should not question yourself about it: “Am I in love?.”

I used to try and force thoughts out of you, and feelings out. Mostly, I was successful… but I could never eliminate you from my heart, and therefore my mind… I figured we belong. That’s without question. To me, that force of nature is not something to fight against, but something to fight for…

– QMP, 5/17/2018

I just… my heart. Everything he said, is exactly what we have now. It’s really magical.

S: His Quarantine Birthday

Today is his 32nd birthday. Unfortunately, things have gotten harder as of last Thursday, when Q’s building had to go on a 14-day extensive quarantine. This means that on top of not visiting yesterday, we cannot talk today, nor can we have our planned video visitation.

Needless to say I’m a little devastated, and have been crying this morning. But an inkling inside of me continues to keep me calm. I know for a fact that it’s him… his spirit. Reminding me that we are in each others hearts on this day, no matter what we go through. That our love is always shining.

I thought I’d celebrate here by posting the poem I wrote for his birthday card the other day, and sharing this video screenshot of us dancing 13 years ago, today.

To The Man That I Love.

On the 27th of April,
a special moment of the year,
A sweet baby was born –
QMP is here!
And even if the world is falling,
From the sky above,
I’m screaming happy birthday,
To the man that I love.

To the man that I trust,
To the man that I lust,
The man that makes me smile,
Even when we start to fuss.
Cheers for a trip around the sun
We have to celebrate –
Happy birthdays are in order,
For the man that I appreciate.

For the man that I respect,
the man that I honor,
To the man that I stand for,
For whom I only grow fonder.
Feeling happy as I’ve ever been.
Although times may be rough –
I’m singing happy birthday,
To the man that I love.

-S, 4/22/20

S: Pandemic Woes

Well. Q and I have faced some tough times these last 8 months, but none as tough as what’s been going on for the last month and a half. A whole pandemic.

Not only are we facing the global implications of this, but locally, he’s on modified lockdown, which means they can barely leave the pod. His JPay JP5 player is on the fritz/broken, so we can’t communicate like we used to with writing emails. Our phone time is strenuous, because I’m working from home and everyone in the pod has unlimited clicks and free phone calls on Thursdays. OH, and a little thing called – we can’t see each-other, as all facilities ended visitation as of March 12th.

Luckily his positive attitude and my ability to make light of situations, make us a perfect match. We keep eachother grounded in many ways.

We spent some time tonight talking about our spiritual connection and not taking anything for granted. Seeing eachother often and going through the hustle and bustle of life allowed us to slack a little when it came to building in that category. Our wavelengths have never been off, but they could definitely use adjustments.

He was talked about how his meditation and prayer the night before made way for a memory that put a smile on his face.

We took the moment to note the contemplation of the week: ‘Focus on what you can control.’ We both get so wrapped up with the fact that we’re not together, that we sometimes forget the present. We are together and we are growing everyday. Learning and experiencing and continuing to fall in love every single day. That is a relationship I want to have.

S

S: I Didn’t Know My Anxiety Was This Bad.

Here’s my story, and a few things you can do if you didn’t know either.

With COVID-19 spreading uncontrollably by the hour, I’ve found myself in a constant battle with none other than: my brain. Sure, I’ve struggled with anxiety in my adult life, like everyone else. Let’s talk about it.

I’m a multitasking maniac, suffering from FOMO and cases of imposter syndrome. I’ve had a panic attack before, and can tell if I might be on the verge of one. I hate change and I’m very cautious about most adventurous things. I’m a semi-hoarder/clutter-lover, and I have mild issues of letting go. Trouble falling asleep due to racing thoughts of the day. I’ve seen the same therapist occasionally for the past couple years. The works.

On the contrary, I’m an extroverted, karaoke-singing, open-minded, outspoken, natural-haired, fun-loving woman with a constant smile on my face. These days though, it’s been easy to lose her.

My anxiety has gotten so bad, that it has not only affected me emotionally, it’s affected my physical well-being. There are points in time during the day where my chest feels like someone’s trying to rip it out. Where I sleep for only 4 hours after tossing and turning. When I’m too tired to think about meditating. When I realize I’m out of frozen meat and my knees buckle because I have to go to the store… All of the above.

As a black woman, I’m no stranger to worry. It runs in my family. My grandmother and my mother worry constantly about most things, which is something that I learned at an early age and carried with me. As a kid even, I always seemed to think in a worst case scenario mindset, which allowed me to make changes to my wardrobe and hair, all the way to the major I chose in college, to the experiences I have as an adult.

I also have a 2nd grader. He’s at home for the next two weeks, and trying to keep him educationally entertained is no easy task by far. Luckily, he’s a straight A student and loves math. However, he’s also impatient by nature and very distracted.

I have an incarcerated significant other, which you already knew, and that’s a whole bag of uncertainty. While visitation is cancelled until further notice, that’s not the only impact. They live in close quarters, where almost every surface in the pods are being touched by the minute. The employees are in and out of the facility, going who knows where and bringing who knows what back in there.

OH. And I’m also in the advertising and media business, which is completely overrun by my clients’ worries of keeping their employees employed, wasting money on ads, and saying the right things due to heightened sensitivity with everything going on in the world. I’m dealing with working from home with video conferences and multiple bosses and people to manage. On top of that, sitting in my kitchen for HOURS.

Knowing all of this, and adding COVID-19 to the mix, I’ve done everything in my power to allow my mind to calm. However, it seems like every news article and conspiracy theory causes me to lose any progress I make; and I start over.

I’m learning each day that I cannot control everything, and that there are active steps I can take on the road to overcoming. Now, there’s no magic way to do it overnight, but here’s some things you can do RIGHT NOW, to begin a path of inner recovery.

  1. You have to take care of yourself. Yes, eating well is going to be hard while we’re sitting in the house, but try reaching for a healthier option if it’s available. Meditate when you can. Go on a run or do an exercise video. Sleep a little longer than you normally do. Mental well-being will have a hard time working for you if you aren’t ATTEMPTING to do a little on the physical side. Your brain will thank you.
  2. Don’t be afraid to ask for some time off work. If you cannot deal with news and/or work loads, tell your supervisors. Take an hour away from your computer per day if you have to. Leave at 5. Take a day off to focus on you. It’ll be there when you get back, and you’ll be 10x better when you do.
  3. Delete Facebook. Okay, not your entire profile, but the app has GOT TO GO. With a constant stream of news and commentary, conspiracy theories, and irrelevant opinions from irrelevant people. Check it on desktop when you must, but having that app at a thumbs reach is destroying your ability to focus.
  4. Stretch. Yes, stretch. Believe it or not, certain stretches can help you. Child’s pose. Breathing in and out while placing your hands on your head. Sitting on the floor and slowly reaching for your toes. Doing some cat/cows. All of which releases pent up energy in your body that you likely need to let out in some form or fashion.
  5. Pick up an old hobby. Mine is crocheting. It calms me and is something I can do with my hands.
  6. Drink water. A lot of it. While it may seem easy, consciously drinking 8 or more glasses of water a day can help your oxygen flow, skin cells, digestive system, magic, you name it. It can also make your body feel less tense, even if you didn’t notice it was.
  7. Listen to music. Any music really. Music is a mood shifter and can take you to time and places without effort.
  8. Rewatch your favorite sitcom. Sitcoms are light enough but involved enough to get your mind in a place of peace, but not too far off. Also, laughing releases endorphins.
  9. Think about the things that make you happy. Easier said than done right now huh? But really, time yourself. Take 5 minutes and just sit there, and think about what makes you happy.

Happy thinking. And breathe.

Q+S: March 9 Contemplation of the Week

Q and I started a new thing for 2020, Contemplation of the Week. It’s a quote or thought we find during the week, that we can document, write down, think about, and implement into our lives.

“Do not fear. Be responsible with your power of creation.”

– Q

S:

“In the midst of the hysteria going on today with people watching their germs and trying not to get this global sickness, I’ve found myself full of anxiety on a daily basis. Worry in the back of my mind causing a rift in focus…

But I control my reaction to my thoughts. In fact, I create these thoughts. Being aware and understanding of my own creations… is imperative. Staying mindful of how to prevent, and not reactive, will protect my inner peace. Which is also my creation. Deep breathing and positive energy will alleviate my fear and bring love into the dark places in my mind. But only if I allow it.”

Q:

“The mind is the maker… when we set it upon a serious thought, maybe a dream we hope to attain, we began to shift the tides of the universe towards our desire. We can gather strength and energy to accomplish this desired reality. whether conscious or otherwise, we are constantly provoking a pattern that plays out in existence and alter realities… as so for positive aspirations, so too for negativity and its respects…

Fear, negativity, and worry these are not different from the thought that comprise our dreams. they manifest with the same swiftness. So it is wise for the creators, possessors of mind, to guard against negative thoughts and fears, because given the proper amount of attention they will come to fruition… be responsible with your power of creation…”

Q + S: How Loving Yourself, Can Equal Finding Love

Q and I talk a lot about self love, and the true love we have with one another. When we were working on the ‘100 Reasons I Love You’ writing we did for eachother over Valentine’s Day, we both mentioned how we wanted to find things about eachother that didn’t have to do with ourselves.

Some people say you can’t love others because they love you, but we say why not? The true love you seek lies within you.

Take a look at a letter Q wrote, sharing his perspective on how it’s okay to love your significant other because they love you.

“I woke up this morning thinking of you and how much I love you. It’s A LOT. It’s funny you spoke on loving me because I love you and loving the part of yourself that you see in me. I thought about that same very exact thing. I thought about the way you remind me of my mother first. Then, I was like – well she reminds of my sister too. and Then I was like… well duh, they both are my relatives, so I love them because they are a reflection of me. 🙂 And think about this infinite model of love… I love you because you love me (not solely because of that, but yeah)… and your love makes me love me more, which in turn make me love you more, which also in turn makes you love me more and the cycle continues on your side of the cycle and on and on…

I don’t necessarily think loving someone because you resonate with the ‘you’ inside of them is a bad thing. On the real, I think that’s the a true means of cultivating our intense type love. It not loving you because you love me per say, its more a love for you based on a self-love. That sounds like a very healthy basis for building a very healthy love, right? That’s why saying we love US is so profound and depicts a deeper aspect of our bubble and its perspective…

I did also acknowledge our differences. Propagated mostly by our upbringing and difference in experience. Which I think is awesome. Two whole halves starting at different points to ascertain life in depth. Just like having two eyes operating in tandem to capture the third dimension… I love nature and its wisdom. And I know you do too. :)”

– Q, excerpt from hand-written letter to S, 2/16/20

When you spend time focusing on loving yourself, you start to see the quality of love you deserve. Not only that, but you start to recognize all the things you love about yourself. This then starts to reveal the things you love about others. It truly starts with the self.

– S

S+Q: When we see eachother.

Every time we go to visit, we always write to each other about how we’re feeling afterward. Something about it all is timeless, and unpacks what love means. I thought I’d share the love of our messages, just in time for Valentines.

Baby, every time we take center stage, I’m reminded of why I love you like I do. Everything you are… loving, smiling, laughing, and joyous. My light. The light of my light. I’m holding back a misty eye right now. You know when I wiped a tear on your left hand today… do you know what I was thinking when the tear came? I was thinking about how great you are… I don’t know how its supposed to feel. But I think this is it… I’m sure of it. Love wrapped in flesh…

– Q

“We’ve really always been this way, baby. Silly and fun and a little spontaneous. Dancing and singing and making shit up. Laughing and egging each other on. In that old video of us when we were 19, I’m making fun of you and hyping you up at the same time and laughing. There’s so much love in it and it’s clear you’re doing it to entertain yourself as much as you’re entertaining me. And that’s exactly how we are now. Having fun just because. I love it when we embarrass ourselves and each other because that’s just us and it’s our beautiful and corny love shining with no dullness in sight.”

– S

“S, we are given the chance to have love the way we want it. Unfiltered, pure, and true. We don’t have to be other people. We are us… people that aren’t too easy to understand… and yet, we understand each other… and love one another…”

– Q

S: You Teach Me, and I’ll Teach You

– Doodle by Q, 1/22/20

Babe and I have spent January connecting on our childhoods. While it’s a subject we’ve built in prior years and months of our time together, it means so much more now.

We found a similar love in Pokémon. Telling stories of middle school. Playing games, trading cards. Talking about memories of our friends and family connections. We sang the theme song together at visitation; it felt like it was only the two of us.

Yeah. Us singing Pokémon together was the highlight of my day this visit was one of the best so far. I could see it… us and our forever. I could see it clearly today. And looking in your face and seeing that beautiful smile and the face of my love…

– Q, 1/21/20

We also shared our love of Parappa the Rapper. Sang some lyrics together from the game and recalled our favorite boards.

There’s something about the past that helps mend futures. While it’s long gone, it builds lifetime connection through good and bad times. Knowing your partner’s childhood – no matter how much it differs from yours – can truly create deeper understanding.

Ask your significant other – ‘Tell me something I don’t know about you from your childhood?’ Then sit back, and enjoy.

– S

Q+S: Contemplation of the Week

Q and I are starting a new thing for the year, Contemplation of the Week. It’s a quote or thought we find during the week, that we can document, write down, think about, and implement into our lives. For week one, we picked a quote that I happened to find on a tea bag. We decided to write about it. We may do so from time to time… and maybe post it. ❤️

WEEK ONE:

Earth laughs in flowers.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

S: “There was a point in time when he used to always call me his flower. Delicate, beautiful, pure, and joyful. His flower.

Knowing that I am his light, and one of his biggest reasons, it scared me to feel it and see it. It also filled me with purpose and care to a level that I failed to see on my own. It effortlessly fuels the way he loves me.

I know that the earth is full of them – flowers. But a lot of them only spring in the spring. They are rare, but plentiful; like the frequency of comedy. Where there is joy, there is laughter. Where there is earth, there are flowers. Flowers are joy.

Earth will always produce that beauty for as long as there is soil, as long as there is water, as long as there is sun. Flowers cannot bloom without the nurturing of what is constant and what is true. The same goes for love.”

Q: “Living and breathing, the earth is a being equipped with its own soul and character. No different from any other organism.

What does it mean for one to laugh? A joyous reflex imprinted onto the innate operations of the soul. Our laughter signifies our joy. You could say it is the only moniker of a pure elation. The earth exemplifies its joy through the vessel of flowers. If one takes the time to really contemplate the flower, they may find all the joys of the earth, for themselves.”

Website Built with WordPress.com.

Up ↑