Tag: love

S: Pandemic Woes

Well. Q and I have faced some tough times these last 8 months, but none as tough as what’s been going on for the last month and a half. A whole pandemic.

Not only are we facing the global implications of this, but locally, he’s on modified lockdown, which means they can barely leave the pod. His JPay JP5 player is on the fritz/broken, so we can’t communicate like we used to with writing emails. Our phone time is strenuous, because I’m working from home and everyone in the pod has unlimited clicks and free phone calls on Thursdays. OH, and a little thing called – we can’t see each-other, as all facilities ended visitation as of March 12th.

Luckily his positive attitude and my ability to make light of situations, make us a perfect match. We keep eachother grounded in many ways.

We spent some time tonight talking about our spiritual connection and not taking anything for granted. Seeing eachother often and going through the hustle and bustle of life allowed us to slack a little when it came to building in that category. Our wavelengths have never been off, but they could definitely use adjustments.

He was talked about how his meditation and prayer the night before made way for a memory that put a smile on his face.

We took the moment to note the contemplation of the week: ‘Focus on what you can control.’ We both get so wrapped up with the fact that we’re not together, that we sometimes forget the present. We are together and we are growing everyday. Learning and experiencing and continuing to fall in love every single day. That is a relationship I want to have.

–S

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Q+S: March 9 Contemplation of the Week

Q and I started a new thing for 2020, Contemplation of the Week. It’s a quote or thought we find during the week, that we can document, write down, think about, and implement into our lives.

“Do not fear. Be responsible with your power of creation.”

– Q

S:

“In the midst of the hysteria going on today with people watching their germs and trying not to get this global sickness, I’ve found myself full of anxiety on a daily basis. Worry in the back of my mind causing a rift in focus…

But I control my reaction to my thoughts. In fact, I create these thoughts. Being aware and understanding of my own creations… is imperative. Staying mindful of how to prevent, and not reactive, will protect my inner peace. Which is also my creation. Deep breathing and positive energy will alleviate my fear and bring love into the dark places in my mind. But only if I allow it.”

Q:

“The mind is the maker… when we set it upon a serious thought, maybe a dream we hope to attain, we began to shift the tides of the universe towards our desire. We can gather strength and energy to accomplish this desired reality. whether conscious or otherwise, we are constantly provoking a pattern that plays out in existence and alter realities… as so for positive aspirations, so too for negativity and its respects…

Fear, negativity, and worry these are not different from the thought that comprise our dreams. they manifest with the same swiftness. So it is wise for the creators, possessors of mind, to guard against negative thoughts and fears, because given the proper amount of attention they will come to fruition… be responsible with your power of creation…”

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Q + S: How Loving Yourself, Can Equal Finding Love

Q and I talk a lot about self love, and the true love we have with one another. When we were working on the ‘100 Reasons I Love You’ writing we did for eachother over Valentine’s Day, we both mentioned how we wanted to find things about eachother that didn’t have to do with ourselves.

Some people say you can’t love others because they love you, but we say why not? The true love you seek lies within you.

Take a look at a letter Q wrote, sharing his perspective on how it’s okay to love your significant other because they love you.

“I woke up this morning thinking of you and how much I love you. It’s A LOT. It’s funny you spoke on loving me because I love you and loving the part of yourself that you see in me. I thought about that same very exact thing. I thought about the way you remind me of my mother first. Then, I was like – well she reminds of my sister too. and Then I was like… well duh, they both are my relatives, so I love them because they are a reflection of me. 🙂 And think about this infinite model of love… I love you because you love me (not solely because of that, but yeah)… and your love makes me love me more, which in turn make me love you more, which also in turn makes you love me more and the cycle continues on your side of the cycle and on and on…

I don’t necessarily think loving someone because you resonate with the ‘you’ inside of them is a bad thing. On the real, I think that’s the a true means of cultivating our intense type love. It not loving you because you love me per say, its more a love for you based on a self-love. That sounds like a very healthy basis for building a very healthy love, right? That’s why saying we love US is so profound and depicts a deeper aspect of our bubble and its perspective…

I did also acknowledge our differences. Propagated mostly by our upbringing and difference in experience. Which I think is awesome. Two whole halves starting at different points to ascertain life in depth. Just like having two eyes operating in tandem to capture the third dimension… I love nature and its wisdom. And I know you do too. :)”

– Q, excerpt from hand-written letter to S, 2/16/20

When you spend time focusing on loving yourself, you start to see the quality of love you deserve. Not only that, but you start to recognize all the things you love about yourself. This then starts to reveal the things you love about others. It truly starts with the self.

– S

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S+Q: When we see eachother.

Every time we go to visit, we always write to each other about how we’re feeling afterward. Something about it all is timeless, and unpacks what love means. I thought I’d share the love of our messages, just in time for Valentines.

Baby, every time we take center stage, I’m reminded of why I love you like I do. Everything you are… loving, smiling, laughing, and joyous. My light. The light of my light. I’m holding back a misty eye right now. You know when I wiped a tear on your left hand today… do you know what I was thinking when the tear came? I was thinking about how great you are… I don’t know how its supposed to feel. But I think this is it… I’m sure of it. Love wrapped in flesh…

– Q

“We’ve really always been this way, baby. Silly and fun and a little spontaneous. Dancing and singing and making shit up. Laughing and egging each other on. In that old video of us when we were 19, I’m making fun of you and hyping you up at the same time and laughing. There’s so much love in it and it’s clear you’re doing it to entertain yourself as much as you’re entertaining me. And that’s exactly how we are now. Having fun just because. I love it when we embarrass ourselves and each other because that’s just us and it’s our beautiful and corny love shining with no dullness in sight.”

– S

“S, we are given the chance to have love the way we want it. Unfiltered, pure, and true. We don’t have to be other people. We are us… people that aren’t too easy to understand… and yet, we understand each other… and love one another…”

– Q
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S: You Teach Me, and I’ll Teach You

– Doodle by Q, 1/22/20

Babe and I have spent January connecting on our childhoods. While it’s a subject we’ve built in prior years and months of our time together, it means so much more now.

We found a similar love in Pokémon. Telling stories of middle school. Playing games, trading cards. Talking about memories of our friends and family connections. We sang the theme song together at visitation; it felt like it was only the two of us.

Yeah. Us singing Pokémon together was the highlight of my day this visit was one of the best so far. I could see it… us and our forever. I could see it clearly today. And looking in your face and seeing that beautiful smile and the face of my love…

– Q, 1/21/20

We also shared our love of Parappa the Rapper. Sang some lyrics together from the game and recalled our favorite boards.

There’s something about the past that helps mend futures. While it’s long gone, it builds lifetime connection through good and bad times. Knowing your partner’s childhood – no matter how much it differs from yours – can truly create deeper understanding.

Ask your significant other – ‘Tell me something I don’t know about you from your childhood?’ Then sit back, and enjoy.

– S

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Q: NOT Home For the Holidays (Redux)

Prison is not the ideal place for spending the holiday season. Disgruntled inmates treat the holidays with either contempt or disregard. For the last 12 years of my incarceration, I opted for the latter. However, I feel the next few though will be different… now that I have S….

We’d been talking for only a few months. Had some face-to-face time, and solidified a higher level in our relationship. Deciding to carry on a relationship given the condition is a monumental choice; and backed by the pressures of the holiday season to “be together…” let’s just say our first holiday season couldn’t have been foreseen.

S loves to travel… which for a slightly over-protective individual like myself, being unable to be “there” for her, is very troubling… but life persists…

Thanksgiving, S travelled to her mother’s house: a nice driving distance away from home. We try our best to stay connected via phone, especially when she’s traveling. Even though it doesn’t necessarily change the way we communicate for the majority, its like I can feel when she’s not home… I get the same deep sinking feeling…

Even when I know S made it to her destination, the feeling remains. The holidays is about family… and to have her around hers, yet splitting the difference on the phone with me, seems wrong. So I try to avoid it… What seems to be a vacation and a time for embracing to everyone else, is more of a time for restriction and limitation for S and I. Which is okay, because it’s real.

Sometimes, I fear that our relationship won’t be as strong because it’ll lack “real world experience.” Like its staged in a fantastic play, where negatives are often hidden in an array of flowery words unaided by presence. But when those moments arise where you can feel strain, you can’t deny that you are being tried. Strangely, that brings me a sense of relief…

Of course I can’t wait to “be with” S for the holidays. As I have told her multiple times, she IS my family. The visions of us cooking, sharing, loving, and thoroughly enjoying the season are hard, but motivating. A few more holiday seasons dot our path to one day being free together, bringing in the holidays…

Until then though, I guess there is something special to learn of our love and the holidays. We just have to remain open and receptive to the wisdom the times and the trials have to offer us in our life now, and in our future…

–Q, written 1/5/20
(Read the S version here)

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S: Surviving the 1st Holiday

It’s January 2, 2020, and the holiday season is now complete. It’s a brand new year and a new opportunity to recharge life.

Needless to say, it’s been rough for Q and I. While our love has proven to withstand the test of time, it’s still very youthful and slightly needy; like a toddler.

Therefore, we’ve found ourselves communicating more frequently while going through what they call the ‘holiday season.’

Thanksgiving was the first culprit of the nonsense. Being around my family and traveling, eating and drinking, creating memories… knowing that Q should be by my side throughout. While a lot of the family knows about Q and I and our situation, it’s not always the easiest thing to bring up to everyone. So a lot of the time, I’ve been forced to hold my feelings or sneak away to get my 20 minutes alone with Q via cell phone tower waves.

As expected, we spent a lot of time thinking and talking about the future. After personally ‘doing Christmas’ 4 times, we noted how we will have Christmas at our house to bring everyone to US.

New Year’s Eve was gentle. As a performer, I had a show that night. Luckily, it was a late night at the facility, which allowed Q to be able to call at 11:50pm – letting us count down the minutes to the new year, and spend it together. We were in two different places at once, but together nonetheless.

All in all, we got through it.

The key was remembering that it’s okay to talk often. Meaningful conversation or not, the emotions are going to be high and plentiful. Listening actively and allowing all feelings – positive and negative – to flow, will make it easy to manage.

We ended New Year’s hand in hand at visit, transferring energy to each other, closing our eyes, breathing together and remembering that we make our world. Vowing to set goals and intentions for our next year together. Knowing the bubble is only as strong as we allow it to be.

– S

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Q: When You Give Your Heart

When you give someone else your heart, they literally become your life…

…All my joy resides in a smile of a single soul.
Her laughter brings heaven to ear…
Behind her lively expressions, lay the keys to life.
My heart beats to the batter of her eyes.
My soul stirs at the rhythm of her breath.
She is my life… and without her I cannot live…

Her eyes hold the world.
Her touch holds the warmth of the sun.
Her voice chimes and darkness is eradicated.
Why must my heart be hers? Does but a fool bind his soul to another?
Who am I, but a fool?

To breathe you is my way to wisdom.
To hold you is my journey to understanding.
I seek you… through all the numerous things.
Through the golds, the jewels, and all matters of worldly powers –
I seek nothing but my Love.
And to me, there is nothing but her…

The flawlessness of a diamond only exposes its sterility.
The purity of a child only exposes its inexperience.
The perfect woman has the brilliance of a diamond, but the means of growth.
She has the purity of a child, but the wisdom to discern truth…

Every piece of you is my bread and breath… you, S, are my life.

– Q, written 12/8/19

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