Tag: spiritual relationship

Q: Bringing Love Into 2021

The start of 2021 is already two days in, and along with the rest of the world, S and I have experienced a lot of strain from the past year.

Unfortunately, we’ve had to experience the difficulties of love in 2020, alongside the already-hard-enough circumstance of my incarceration. Without the aid of face-to-face visit, we’ve had muster up more of that spiritual energy to keep us in a comfortable, constant contact. It’s funny to say we are quite dependent of each other… but in light of all that, we have always placed a lot of focus on the spiritual body of our relationship. It’s interesting to know just how much we can have a healthy and fruitful relationship, even with the serious lack of physical presence. It’s very beautiful and somewhat enlightening.

Being the optimist I am, I looked at this year as a great opportunity to keep increasing the strength of our spiritual foundation, in turn, our foundation overall. That opportunity did not come without its drawbacks. Our bickering increased slightly and the reality of our situation set in more and more over the time. We both had to deal with the worry of one of the other contracting the virus and not being able to be there if it happened… it was a real fear of mine… nevertheless, we’ve found new depths to our ability to work through struggles and find solutions.

I’m actually proud of our resilience and the way we are able to translate a lot of our love in its healing power through voice alone. Do not misconstrue, though – its not all rainbows and sunshine. S told me of a quote she saw on social media. It said something like: “In relationships and marriage, you have to choose love everyday…” and I take that quote as saying that… its a choice, and choices take a little mental effort, and effort entails work. So you have work at it… just like a muscle, working it out strengthens it. So we are working at it, and strengthening our love muscles, lol.

S and I also have come to find that love is creative, and she proved her mastery of that particular principle this holiday season. Normally, the holidays are hard for us, being the season for being with family and loved ones, its easy to get sucked into the fact that we don’t have the advantage of physically being with each other for that special time. However, keeping love in sight is like a lifesaving rope to pull you out of quicksand.

S set a theme for this season – Presence Over Presents. She created a series of letters, sent by mail, that focused on concepts like family, smiles, music, and home, that which we’ve found our relationship to be centered on. These letters had so much love and thought in them, I don’t think I read one without tearing up a bit. They definitely did their job and transported S’s spirit in full force to my side throughout that week and beyond…

My hope for this year is that we continue to grow together at the same light-speed momentum we’ve always had, even though a majority of our being together is physically at a distance for now. I find myself constantly thanking God that S returned to my life. Her love has always been transformative for me and remnant of a teenaged love we shared over a decade ago. No step missed, no spark lost…

I leave you with this… for anyone who has found themselves in a dark place, alone and wanting, I pray you can find a love that will inspire you to live like it matters. I believe God intended for love to be the motivator, and I’m happy I’ve found mine… and I pray you find yours…

Love is the light of a future unbound, one who possesses love possesses the key to life and its unlimited potential…

– Q, written 1/2/21

Feature photos illustrated by Q, 12/16/20

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S: Holiday Presence

Well, it’s the holidays again and as you all know, it’s a tough time for us, but more widely it’s a tough time for families of the incarcerated. Now, with a global pandemic, we can’t even go visit our loved ones at the facilities. To make it even worse, GTL and the DOC are cancelling video visits for many people, on Christmas. It’s truly tragic, especially for those people in prison who have spent well enough time in there and can come out and be a successful member of society; like my Q.

Sigh. Only time will tell if and when he will be released. But until that time, I like to think about the ring of presence we have built around us.

This Christmas, I’m surprising him with a series of letters dedicated to reminding him just how much can be done with creating our presence with each other no matter how far away we are. With a big restriction on mail, pictures and merchandise we can send to the prison. So I used a lot of my words and limited black and white copies of letters he can receive from me.

He’s gotten 2 out of 7 of them and has been absolutely elated to read the words and feel the love I put into them. We just had a conversation about how amazing it is to be able to love as hard as we want, because we were made for each-other and match each-others souls.

I’m so so grateful.

Happy holidays to all.

-S

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S: So Much for Physical Touch

Tough October indeed. Between my own personal life and how busy work has been for me… how we’ve seen no strides in our work for criminal justice reform for all, and no strides in Q’s personal paperwork for him to get out of prison… how we’ve been having small moments of miscommunicating… I miss him.

It’s been over 7 months since I’ve gotten to hold his hand. Just as long as the amount of time I had with him. I think about the pandemic and how some people have basically been trapped with their loved ones, their spouses, their other halves. But the community of prison significant others… we’ve gotten the complete opposite. The pandemic has taken what limited amount of time we got to spend hugging our men, holding their hand. Getting to be face to face and watching each other move. Getting to take each other in…. smell each other’s breaths and taste each other’s lips. Laugh together and have a snack together. Just being able to place one hand on his cheek and whisper, I love you.

It’s easy to take for granted having the love of your life next to you. It’s also easy to take for granted having one at all. Hold them close and tell them you love them today, if you can. And if you can’t, pray for them and thank God you have them in your life.

– S

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S: “Keep Being Amazing.”

I started this entry with this same headline almost a year ago, with a statement that says: “This is what he says to me, almost every morning before we get off the phone.” It’s something that’s been constant throughout our relationship.

‘Keep being amazing’ has been somewhat of a mantra of ours that means so much. It basically says – I’m proud of you, and what you do and what you give to the world is important. Go out there and be you with no apologies and no fear. Go out there and be your whole self and know that it’s enough.

The first time he said it to me was before we were what we are and when we just reconnected. He would see me go off to work knowing how bogged down I was. Managing my household and mothering my son and doing hula hoop shows. Making other people happy. He recognized how important it was for me to feel like I ‘HAD IT.’ That someone appreciated everything I was doing and all that I am. Those 3 simple words have always meant everything to me. Especially in the morning before having to start my day. It’s like he’s wrapped me in love and I can better give to others. Wrapped me in confidence and fearlessness, really just allowing myself to believe in MYSELF sooner and easier. It means the world to me to have that mindful energy toward making my day better. And hearing his voice perk up before the end of a phone call, saying ‘I love you, keep being amazing,’ is everything.

Since Q started doing print-based college courses, I’ve found myself saying it to him more often. His main focus has always been education. Throughout his time in prison, he has read textbooks freely, taking notes and learning science and psychology; learning tai chi and meditation and really immersing himself in all things books. Now he has the chance to prove it to the world and that’s all he wants to do. By getting a degree. I’m so so proud of him. I always have been. From writing all of these thought pieces about race and politics on his site BrillianceBehindBars.com, to always dedicating himself to tai chi and his mental and physical health, I’m just so proud. I love this man and everything he is.

– S

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S: My Quarantine Birthday

Never did I think I’d also somehow have a quarantine birthday, but alas, here we are.

It’s still very much the ‘pandemic times’ right now so we didn’t get to see eachother in person. But luckily I got to start the day off with a video visit with him. Coffee time, which was beautiful.

A couple days prior to that, I received a package in the mail addressed to me. I knew what it was because he had spoiled the surprise of what he’d gotten me for my birthday, but I didn’t know what it looked like. I unwrapped the box and pulled it out, and it’s a beautiful little bonsai tree. An outdoor juniper bonsai. I love that he listens. He knows how much I love plants and the joy they bring to me.

He and I named him together. Going back and forth. Once told him that it seemed male, we started talking about boy names and couldn’t land on one. I told him that the tree was spikey, but soft and gentle. Small but mighty. He thought about it for a while and said – ‘what about Sonic? Like the hedgehog, who shares those same qualities.’ It was perfect. We shared an equal like for the movie, and both enjoyed the video game as kids. ‘Sonic the Bonsai’ I said.

I also got a beautiful handmade card from him. Another surprise. I waited to open it until my birthday. He had written a sweet little diddy, a birthday poem if you will. It made me smile…

“July 21st, a very special birth,
heaven opened up and an angel grazed the earth,

Oh, S. Dae!
special in every S. way,
the greatest of the greatest
birthday of birthdays.

All hail the Queen,
the only reason I’m a King,
and I’ve been enamored since the first “whatchu mean!?” 🙂

To my Queen, to my goddess
whom I love, respect, trust and adore,

Happy Birthday, my Lady and Love,
and to you, a million more…”

The best part about the day was that he felt very present. We didn’t get to talk much on the phone that day due to the Covid cases and lockdowns going on at his facility… but he was with me all day, even though he wasn’t. He made me feel so special and fills me with so much joy. I’m so so grateful. Happy birthday to me.

– S

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S: Trenton, the Emerald Tree.

Like a lot of black people during the pandemic, I’ve become a self-proclaimed plant mom. I’ve been falling in love with house plants of all kinds, and rekindling my affinity for gardening and caring for my friends that are green.

Most recently I went on a hunt for a gift for a coworker at Trader Joe’s, and realized they had beautiful ‘tropical plants’ of all kinds. I couldn’t help shopping for myself, as they were cost effective! I have been running out of space for all of my plants, so I didn’t want to get too many. I limited myself to two and found it hard to choose. There was one small plant, very lively and beautiful. I was going back and forth between that one and another, and something kicked me to get this small tree. For some reason, it didn’t have a tag for what kind of plant it was, just a ‘tropical plant care’ tag. I figured it needed a good home and I loved it. So it came home with me. I sat it in my favorite pot and it looked gorgeous. It has been there for almost a week now. Just thriving.

Today, Sunday, is my weekly plant time to check the soil, water, and sing to all my babies. I came across an article on Medium about how house plants aren’t just a trend for black women, but a means to a spiritual passage. I felt that deep in my soul, as I find myself praying for and over the plants that come into my home… naming them and feeling close to them.

I haven’t paid too much attention to this new tree until today, realizing it needed a name – and that it gave me male vibes. I couldn’t come up with a name immediately, so I asked Q – who loves naming our future children, if he would name him. Needless to say, he was HONORED and was so excited. We always get into discussions of names and that they mean and how they’re presented.

‘What about Trent?,’ he wrote to me. ‘Trenton.’ No doubt in my mind, I loved it. Trent, it is. A little bit later, I dubbed him Trenton.

Q wanted to know what kind of tree he was. I told him I didn’t know and that I wanted to find out. Now, I had done some previous searching and was unable to find any trace of what with tree was, so I gave up. Anxious, because Q wanted to know as well, I downloaded one of those plant identifier apps that allows you to take a picture to determine its type. I signed up for the free trial and everything.

The result came quickly, and took my breath away.

It’s an Emerald tree.

Immediately I started to feel emotion in the pit of my stomach, my chest, my throat, my face. I started to bawl uncontrollably. Tears running down my eyes and sobs roaring from the depths of my chest.

Emeralds have always been a topic of discussion when it comes to Q and I. Not only is green my favorite color of all time, all shades, but Q and I have had many discussions about me having an emerald engagement ring. About what the color means and what the stone itself means…

“St. Hildegard of Bingen, the noted lithologist, declared, “All the green of nature is concentrated within the Emerald.” [Megemont, 80-81] Representing youth in the age of man, the power of this lush crystal stirs the soul like the heart of spring, symbolizing hope and the future, renewal and growth. It is a Seeker of Love and a Revealer of Truth, inspiring an ongoing search for meaning, justice, compassion and harmony.

Called the “Stone of Successful Love,” Emerald opens and nurtures the heart and the Heart Chakra. Its soothing energy provides healing to all levels of the being, bringing freshness and vitality to the spirit. A stone of inspiration and infinite patience, it embodies unity, compassion and unconditional love. Emerald promotes friendship, balance between partners, and is particularly known for providing domestic bliss, contentment and loyalty. It was dedicated in the ancient world to the goddess Venus for its ability to insure security in love.”

It’s love… unconditional, young, pure, and free. Nature, harmony, the universe… God.

This tree undoubtedly is a representation of our force. Representation of our growth and constant strive for the balance of love and life. Representation of our ability to be one. A reminder to lead by heart and breathe life into every day by working together to achieve harmony.

I’m grateful for the moment, through my tears. I feel lighter this morning, releasing the emotions from my body and into life. Grateful for this physical manifestation of our love, as granted by the universe.

– S

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S: His Quarantine Birthday

Today is his 32nd birthday. Unfortunately, things have gotten harder as of last Thursday, when Q’s building had to go on a 14-day extensive quarantine. This means that on top of not visiting yesterday, we cannot talk today, nor can we have our planned video visitation.

Needless to say I’m a little devastated, and have been crying this morning. But an inkling inside of me continues to keep me calm. I know for a fact that it’s him… his spirit. Reminding me that we are in each others hearts on this day, no matter what we go through. That our love is always shining.

I thought I’d celebrate here by posting the poem I wrote for his birthday card the other day, and sharing this video screenshot of us dancing 13 years ago, today.

To The Man That I Love.

On the 27th of April,
a special moment of the year,
A sweet baby was born –
QMP is here!
And even if the world is falling,
From the sky above,
I’m screaming happy birthday,
To the man that I love.

To the man that I trust,
To the man that I lust,
The man that makes me smile,
Even when we start to fuss.
Cheers for a trip around the sun
We have to celebrate –
Happy birthdays are in order,
For the man that I appreciate.

For the man that I respect,
the man that I honor,
To the man that I stand for,
For whom I only grow fonder.
Feeling happy as I’ve ever been.
Although times may be rough –
I’m singing happy birthday,
To the man that I love.

-S, 4/22/20

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S: Pandemic Woes

Well. Q and I have faced some tough times these last 8 months, but none as tough as what’s been going on for the last month and a half. A whole pandemic.

Not only are we facing the global implications of this, but locally, he’s on modified lockdown, which means they can barely leave the pod. His JPay JP5 player is on the fritz/broken, so we can’t communicate like we used to with writing emails. Our phone time is strenuous, because I’m working from home and everyone in the pod has unlimited clicks and free phone calls on Thursdays. OH, and a little thing called – we can’t see each-other, as all facilities ended visitation as of March 12th.

Luckily his positive attitude and my ability to make light of situations, make us a perfect match. We keep eachother grounded in many ways.

We spent some time tonight talking about our spiritual connection and not taking anything for granted. Seeing eachother often and going through the hustle and bustle of life allowed us to slack a little when it came to building in that category. Our wavelengths have never been off, but they could definitely use adjustments.

He was talked about how his meditation and prayer the night before made way for a memory that put a smile on his face.

We took the moment to note the contemplation of the week: ‘Focus on what you can control.’ We both get so wrapped up with the fact that we’re not together, that we sometimes forget the present. We are together and we are growing everyday. Learning and experiencing and continuing to fall in love every single day. That is a relationship I want to have.

–S

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Q + S: How Loving Yourself, Can Equal Finding Love

Q and I talk a lot about self love, and the true love we have with one another. When we were working on the ‘100 Reasons I Love You’ writing we did for eachother over Valentine’s Day, we both mentioned how we wanted to find things about eachother that didn’t have to do with ourselves.

Some people say you can’t love others because they love you, but we say why not? The true love you seek lies within you.

Take a look at a letter Q wrote, sharing his perspective on how it’s okay to love your significant other because they love you.

“I woke up this morning thinking of you and how much I love you. It’s A LOT. It’s funny you spoke on loving me because I love you and loving the part of yourself that you see in me. I thought about that same very exact thing. I thought about the way you remind me of my mother first. Then, I was like – well she reminds of my sister too. and Then I was like… well duh, they both are my relatives, so I love them because they are a reflection of me. 🙂 And think about this infinite model of love… I love you because you love me (not solely because of that, but yeah)… and your love makes me love me more, which in turn make me love you more, which also in turn makes you love me more and the cycle continues on your side of the cycle and on and on…

I don’t necessarily think loving someone because you resonate with the ‘you’ inside of them is a bad thing. On the real, I think that’s the a true means of cultivating our intense type love. It not loving you because you love me per say, its more a love for you based on a self-love. That sounds like a very healthy basis for building a very healthy love, right? That’s why saying we love US is so profound and depicts a deeper aspect of our bubble and its perspective…

I did also acknowledge our differences. Propagated mostly by our upbringing and difference in experience. Which I think is awesome. Two whole halves starting at different points to ascertain life in depth. Just like having two eyes operating in tandem to capture the third dimension… I love nature and its wisdom. And I know you do too. :)”

– Q, excerpt from hand-written letter to S, 2/16/20

When you spend time focusing on loving yourself, you start to see the quality of love you deserve. Not only that, but you start to recognize all the things you love about yourself. This then starts to reveal the things you love about others. It truly starts with the self.

– S

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