S: Our Spiritual Journey, the Second Year

Every once in a while, Q and I decide to write on an interesting topic for the blog at the same time. As an additional wild card, we don’t share the entries with one another until they’re both finished. No peeking. This month, we thought we’d reflect on how we’ve continued to grow together spiritually after 2+ years. Enjoy.

S:

It’s been a roller coaster of a time for us. Not being in the same room for almost 2 years really has a tendency to rattle beliefs and poke at hope.

That said, Q and I have gone through a rough summer and fall – a rough Mercury retrograde – and now, a lockdown that could last another week or more. It’s been 3 days now since I’ve heard his voice, so finishing this writing felt right because I’m in need of the reflection of our connection.

While the expression isn’t as erratic as it used to be, there’s no loss of passion. We still write to each other letters, write poetry and music and drawing pictures… still planning our future together. However, there’s a bigger baseline of faith between us.

Connecting on a deeper level isn’t always about the tangible things for us. I believe we have been praying similarly and working toward goals together. Meditating nightly and not forcing it if it’s not there. I’ve found in the past year, we spend more time talking about our meditations and dreams – and even HOW we prayed has become a regular point of conversation. It has inherently brought us closer and more grounded in each other.

In my own life, I’ve been struggling with heightened anxiety since the beginning of the pandemic. I can recall a time a couple months ago when Q was able to really help me dig deep into my control issues, and offered many words of encouragement and learnings he got from his own meditations and from studying tai chi. He really knows how to help balance me when I’m at my worst. There was a night when he gave me some advice so good I had to write it down as quotes on post it notes – so I could stick them around my space.

I was never really a meditating girl before him – but having a tool like this in my toolbox is exactly what I needed to be able to maintain stability in a situation like this. Letting go and keeping faith front and center is what it’s all about. Opening ourselves up to feel the flow of nature and allowing the little things to shine through is what we value most. Through a song lyric, seeing a plant grace our picture, smelling a flower, seeing the sun set, or hearing a bird chirp. Those are the kinds of things that make us feel love through spirit and I’m truly grateful.

Here’s to growing into many many more years of that feeling, regardless of where we are in the world. Faith, hope and love are the 3 things that we know will get us through it all.

– S

(To read the Q version, click here.)

November 8, 2021 1

Q: Second Year of a Relationship and It’s Spiritual Growth

Q:

It has been over two years since S and I re-engaged our love story. One of the most interesting things about that is that no matter how far apart we were, for however long, we’ve managed to still be alike in so many ways. We still both love to dance, sing, laugh, and love. It seemed as if time could not fade it, it has only made it stronger. But above all that, there was something that we didn’t share enough of as kids… our spirituality. As adults, S and I both embraced a diligent search for our more spiritual selves and we have bonded over that search and it has become one of the greatest pillars in maintaining our very fruitful and loving long distance relationship.

My entire incarceration has been an opportunity to build a spiritual discipline. Since being locked up, I’ve read an array of books and practiced meditation for the last 13 years; and most recently taken up Tai Chi. There came a point were I felt like I mastered meditation. I was unbound and completely detached from the hostile and mind numbing, monotonous world of imprisonment. I didn’t realize at the time that I was nowhere near mastery. Soon, the universe would send me a reminder.

August 14th, 2019, S and I decided that we would be together even though we were miles apart. From that point on, the world began a light speed crash course for my emotions and mind. I was plunging back into an emotional life of caring, concern, and attachment. I stressed and felt unbelievable pressure as I was jolting back into a world beyond my aloof present. Regrets of the past, fears of the future, feeling of helplessness over control of my world… all things I thought were no more, had resurfaced from their mere suppression and assaulting my inner spaces. It was like a struggle I never experienced before. That was the first year.

Being in a long distance relationship can pose a lot of problems for any couple. Being in a relationship where one of you are in prison, can be one thousand times more stressful. S and I have extremely limited physical contact and phone calls aren’t always ideal. But we have a spiritual connection and a desire to strengthen it. We focus on what we call, our “spiritual love.” We try to reach one another in a way that is beyond physical. It’s presence we miss, so its presence we try to project. We try to synchronize our prayer and meditation times in an attempt to channel one another.

I’ve realized that the type of discipline I engaged before being in this relationship was only foundational at best. What I understand now is that spirituality is not only for yourself, it is to be emitted to those in your life. Spirituality is about connecting and bridging the gap between what seems to be separate. S being at the center of my journey with me has allowed me to better express my love to my family, friends, and even random people I encounter in my daily happenings. I feel more sensitive to life and more alive because it.

S’s presence pushes me to reach out, not withdraw in, learning to bring a lot of my internal growth out into the atmosphere. It hasn’t been easy. In fact, this has been the greatest challenge I ever had to endure. but I know, just the bit of growth I have achieved in the last few years is a million times greater than the 10 years I’ve walked this journey alone. And to be honest, I welcome the lifetime of new levels I can see over the horizon, as S and I set out on our forever journey of love, life, and continuous spiritual growth.

-Q

(To read the S version, click here.)

November 8, 2021 1

Q+S: Contemplation of the Week

Q and I are starting a new thing for the year, Contemplation of the Week. It’s a quote or thought we find during the week, that we can document, write down, think about, and implement into our lives. For week one, we picked a quote that I happened to find on a tea bag. We decided to write about it. We may do so from time to time… and maybe post it. ❤️

WEEK ONE:

Earth laughs in flowers.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

S: “There was a point in time when he used to always call me his flower. Delicate, beautiful, pure, and joyful. His flower.

Knowing that I am his light, and one of his biggest reasons, it scared me to feel it and see it. It also filled me with purpose and care to a level that I failed to see on my own. It effortlessly fuels the way he loves me.

I know that the earth is full of them – flowers. But a lot of them only spring in the spring. They are rare, but plentiful; like the frequency of comedy. Where there is joy, there is laughter. Where there is earth, there are flowers. Flowers are joy.

Earth will always produce that beauty for as long as there is soil, as long as there is water, as long as there is sun. Flowers cannot bloom without the nurturing of what is constant and what is true. The same goes for love.”

Q: “Living and breathing, the earth is a being equipped with its own soul and character. No different from any other organism.

What does it mean for one to laugh? A joyous reflex imprinted onto the innate operations of the soul. Our laughter signifies our joy. You could say it is the only moniker of a pure elation. The earth exemplifies its joy through the vessel of flowers. If one takes the time to really contemplate the flower, they may find all the joys of the earth, for themselves.”

January 11, 2020

Q: NOT Home For the Holidays (Redux)

Prison is not the ideal place for spending the holiday season. Disgruntled inmates treat the holidays with either contempt or disregard. For the last 12 years of my incarceration, I opted for the latter. However, I feel the next few though will be different… now that I have S….

We’d been talking for only a few months. Had some face-to-face time, and solidified a higher level in our relationship. Deciding to carry on a relationship given the condition is a monumental choice; and backed by the pressures of the holiday season to “be together…” let’s just say our first holiday season couldn’t have been foreseen.

S loves to travel… which for a slightly over-protective individual like myself, being unable to be “there” for her, is very troubling… but life persists…

Thanksgiving, S travelled to her mother’s house: a nice driving distance away from home. We try our best to stay connected via phone, especially when she’s traveling. Even though it doesn’t necessarily change the way we communicate for the majority, its like I can feel when she’s not home… I get the same deep sinking feeling…

Even when I know S made it to her destination, the feeling remains. The holidays is about family… and to have her around hers, yet splitting the difference on the phone with me, seems wrong. So I try to avoid it… What seems to be a vacation and a time for embracing to everyone else, is more of a time for restriction and limitation for S and I. Which is okay, because it’s real.

Sometimes, I fear that our relationship won’t be as strong because it’ll lack “real world experience.” Like its staged in a fantastic play, where negatives are often hidden in an array of flowery words unaided by presence. But when those moments arise where you can feel strain, you can’t deny that you are being tried. Strangely, that brings me a sense of relief…

Of course I can’t wait to “be with” S for the holidays. As I have told her multiple times, she IS my family. The visions of us cooking, sharing, loving, and thoroughly enjoying the season are hard, but motivating. A few more holiday seasons dot our path to one day being free together, bringing in the holidays…

Until then though, I guess there is something special to learn of our love and the holidays. We just have to remain open and receptive to the wisdom the times and the trials have to offer us in our life now, and in our future…

–Q, written 1/5/20
(Read the S version here)

January 7, 2020 0

S: Surviving the 1st Holiday

It’s January 2, 2020, and the holiday season is now complete. It’s a brand new year and a new opportunity to recharge life.

Needless to say, it’s been rough for Q and I. While our love has proven to withstand the test of time, it’s still very youthful and slightly needy; like a toddler.

Therefore, we’ve found ourselves communicating more frequently while going through what they call the ‘holiday season.’

Thanksgiving was the first culprit of the nonsense. Being around my family and traveling, eating and drinking, creating memories… knowing that Q should be by my side throughout. While a lot of the family knows about Q and I and our situation, it’s not always the easiest thing to bring up to everyone. So a lot of the time, I’ve been forced to hold my feelings or sneak away to get my 20 minutes alone with Q via cell phone tower waves.

As expected, we spent a lot of time thinking and talking about the future. After personally ‘doing Christmas’ 4 times, we noted how we will have Christmas at our house to bring everyone to US.

New Year’s Eve was gentle. As a performer, I had a show that night. Luckily, it was a late night at the facility, which allowed Q to be able to call at 11:50pm – letting us count down the minutes to the new year, and spend it together. We were in two different places at once, but together nonetheless.

All in all, we got through it.

The key was remembering that it’s okay to talk often. Meaningful conversation or not, the emotions are going to be high and plentiful. Listening actively and allowing all feelings – positive and negative – to flow, will make it easy to manage.

We ended New Year’s hand in hand at visit, transferring energy to each other, closing our eyes, breathing together and remembering that we make our world. Vowing to set goals and intentions for our next year together. Knowing the bubble is only as strong as we allow it to be.

– S

January 2, 2020 1

Q: Meditation…

I, myself was introduced to meditation in the early years of my incarceration, and continued the practice for over 10 years now. I have experienced many forms and approaches to meditation; and currently, I peruse each form that I am fortunate to know, from time to time. (That’s apart of one of my own personally designed approaches in itself :)), but in any case, it all begins with a more conventional approach – ‘mental stilling.’

I’ve found that meditation can produce great benefits mentally, but the rate at which one can receive them is closely related to how well they can silence the already ingrained ego that has taken hold of the mind… and that takes more than practice. It takes a tremendous amount of bravery as well – quieting the personality we’ve created over time to protect us, in a very strange and dangerous seeming world.

To me, centering the self is only gaining a perspective that initially acknowledges the ego as separate from the true self. Then, it moves on to the formation of the spiritual body and its senses.

As the spirit develops, so does the mental and physical life benefit. Once a practitioner gains the spiritual body, they are initiated on their own path where they will discover the higher, more hidden planes that comprise the reality we know. They’ll fin spiritual planes such as love, truth, justice, and so on… finding and becoming their own masters.

This, to me, is the purpose of my meditation practice and remains the path of my spiritual journey…

– Your Loved One, Q
Written 9/9/19

September 10, 2019 0