Tag: writtenbys

The Mid-Year Fast: Day 3, Discipline

Been meaning to document this for years, but Q spends time fasting for 3 days at the beginning of July. This year, he and I spent time building on it together and unpacking what it means to reconnect with self and to focus in on particular principles each day. Reconnecting with purpose. While I didn’t fast from food, I found other ways to practice mindfulness and build for me.

The Last Day of Fasting, Discipline – 2022, by Q

The result of dedication to a cause and determination to exact such cause is discipline. Discipline is NOT the natural state of mankind… it is the natural state of divinity. Everything in creation adheres to the natural law and there can be no law without the concept of discipline. When a person seeks to strengthen there discipline, they seek to become closer to their god-like selves… like every atom in existence, we are all, whether knowingly or unknowingly, apart of the structure of the natural ORDER.

Discipline – 2023, by S

Of the 3 Ds, discipline is the hardest of the concepts to grasp. There’s a realization that without a higher power a true belief in the divine, real disciple cannot exist. Meditation and prayer were an easy solution to feeling that closeness with the universe, and connection was made, there in the rain, reminding me what is. The insight – dedication is the why, determination is the goal, and discipline is the process. It’s time is forever and can only be guided by all three D’s existing at once. Finding the fire within myself to meditate while the rain falls — only to retain the deepest connections, and accessing peace when I choose it.

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The Mid-Year Fast: Day 2, Determination

Been meaning to document this for years, but Q spends time fasting for 3 days at the beginning of July. This year, he and I spent time building on it together and unpacking what it means to reconnect with self and to focus in on particular principles each day. Reconnecting with purpose. While I didn’t fast from food, I found other ways to practice mindfulness and build for me.

Determination – 2022, by Q

Determination is what pushes me through to the other side of my goals. To set a course and move out on it, no matter the weather, this is the human capacity of determination. I, for myself, have determined a course to a higher, more whole self. But only once the mind is free, only then, can it follow through on its desires with determination, and makes them manifest.

Determination – 2023, by S

Determination is as grounding as it is fleeing. It is a force that can only stand to push forward.

Do not be afraid of determination because it exists, be aware and recognize that it exists when you create it. Do not be afraid because it cannot be contained in time. It cannot be rushed, it cannot be rewound. It can only be now, in this moment, and the universe will guide you the rest of the way. There are no limits.

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S: All That I Can Do

When I start to

think about you…

my heart gets heavy

and my knees get weak

trying to fill the void

of emptiness, I seek

anything to keep me

out of the dark stormy rain

that lives inside me.

When I start to

see the days go by…

My heart gets heavy,

knowing the things you’ve missed.

The life unlived,

and the kisses unkissed.

The wishes… still wished

that that day would soon come,

and the let downs would cease,

and in my arms you’d run

forever…

without the bars between us.

When I think about you,

but until then that’s all that I can do.

-S, 12/1/22

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S: Manifesting the Bubble

3 years ago Q and I created what we call the bubble. It’s a spiritual space to which we exist together where it’s just us. We’ve historically referenced it as something that relates to how we start to change as people as it grows.

Well something happened okay visit on Sunday the 15th.

I was sitting across from him feeling an overall sense of gratitude for his presence. It had been over 3 weeks since I’d last been there, and 3 weeks since I’d gotten to wrap my arms around him and feel the since of safety I’ve only felt from his spirit. I held his hand with both of mine and held it close. I closed my eyes and I instantly filled with emotion through my whole body. Tears started form in my eyes. He held me closer and closed his too. I later learned he was praying. The moment was beautiful. I was relishing in the fact that he was real and he was just pure love in the flesh. It was like I couldn’t turn the tears off. He wiped my eyes as they filled my mask and neither of us had words for what felt like 5 minutes.

We then hear the lady at the desk call his last name. He gets up to go talk to her and I instantly felt alone again. When he came back, he told me they are not allowing us to hold hands. Both of us were crushed, and he had a clear sense of anger. I knew our moment wasn’t over, even if it couldn’t be physical.

I put my hands in front of me and put it on what would have formed a giant sphere. I told him to do the same, and there we were: with our hands on an invisible ball. We both started putting our hands around it. I asked him what it felt like, what it looked like, what it sounded like. We spent time building on it and following each other’s hands and fingers, to the point where I couldn’t tell which one of us was leading the other. We put our hands through it. Like water, he said. We then took our hands out and into our hearts. Like the ball was generating enough energy and positivity to recharge us as individuals.

It was powerful. A huge representation of how they can never take this from us. How our love is a ball of energy that we can create between us regardless of physical space. He called the ball of energy the bubble and it clicked immediately. Manifestation of the bubble.

Q even used it on his own. “I manifested the bubble by myself earlier. Just moved my hands like we did at visit and inhaled it into my heart.” Part of me has been afraid to access it due to the overwhelming emotional potential, but I’m grateful to know I have it.

The bubble is home, the bubble is us. The bubble exists regardless of time and space and physicality. Like God.

-S

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S: The Roots Are Evident

Q and I have been fortunate to get back together at visit, as COVID cases have been at a steady low in Virginia. We’ve gotten to hold each other twice in March, which has been refreshing and reminding of how strong our connection really is. It hasn’t stopped us from being spiritual, and finding ways to connect by heart.

Last week, we challenged each other to write a haiku, and remember it, so that we could recite it face to face with each other.

Q’s Haiku:
Soon our day will come,
cutting through the morning dew –
finally, love is free.

S’s Haiku:
Spirit moves slowly,
Like two twin trees in the wind,
Love keeps them grounded.

The moment was beautiful, fun, and enhanced the overwhelming feeling of love within us. It sparked some beautiful conversation about how nature has always been a running theme in our relationship, and how some of the the strongest and oldest trees have exposed roots. Just like us, they stand tall, all while enduring the harshest and most brutal conditions year after year. Blooming with beauty and coming back no matter what happens to them. Our connection is just that.

-S

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S: Our Spiritual Journey, the Second Year

Every once in a while, Q and I decide to write on an interesting topic for the blog at the same time. As an additional wild card, we don’t share the entries with one another until they’re both finished. No peeking. This month, we thought we’d reflect on how we’ve continued to grow together spiritually after 2+ years. Enjoy.

S:

It’s been a roller coaster of a time for us. Not being in the same room for almost 2 years really has a tendency to rattle beliefs and poke at hope.

That said, Q and I have gone through a rough summer and fall – a rough Mercury retrograde – and now, a lockdown that could last another week or more. It’s been 3 days now since I’ve heard his voice, so finishing this writing felt right because I’m in need of the reflection of our connection.

While the expression isn’t as erratic as it used to be, there’s no loss of passion. We still write to each other letters, write poetry and music and drawing pictures… still planning our future together. However, there’s a bigger baseline of faith between us.

Connecting on a deeper level isn’t always about the tangible things for us. I believe we have been praying similarly and working toward goals together. Meditating nightly and not forcing it if it’s not there. I’ve found in the past year, we spend more time talking about our meditations and dreams – and even HOW we prayed has become a regular point of conversation. It has inherently brought us closer and more grounded in each other.

In my own life, I’ve been struggling with heightened anxiety since the beginning of the pandemic. I can recall a time a couple months ago when Q was able to really help me dig deep into my control issues, and offered many words of encouragement and learnings he got from his own meditations and from studying tai chi. He really knows how to help balance me when I’m at my worst. There was a night when he gave me some advice so good I had to write it down as quotes on post it notes – so I could stick them around my space.

I was never really a meditating girl before him – but having a tool like this in my toolbox is exactly what I needed to be able to maintain stability in a situation like this. Letting go and keeping faith front and center is what it’s all about. Opening ourselves up to feel the flow of nature and allowing the little things to shine through is what we value most. Through a song lyric, seeing a plant grace our picture, smelling a flower, seeing the sun set, or hearing a bird chirp. Those are the kinds of things that make us feel love through spirit and I’m truly grateful.

Here’s to growing into many many more years of that feeling, regardless of where we are in the world. Faith, hope and love are the 3 things that we know will get us through it all.

– S

(To read the Q version, click here.)

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S: Holiday Presence

Well, it’s the holidays again and as you all know, it’s a tough time for us, but more widely it’s a tough time for families of the incarcerated. Now, with a global pandemic, we can’t even go visit our loved ones at the facilities. To make it even worse, GTL and the DOC are cancelling video visits for many people, on Christmas. It’s truly tragic, especially for those people in prison who have spent well enough time in there and can come out and be a successful member of society; like my Q.

Sigh. Only time will tell if and when he will be released. But until that time, I like to think about the ring of presence we have built around us.

This Christmas, I’m surprising him with a series of letters dedicated to reminding him just how much can be done with creating our presence with each other no matter how far away we are. With a big restriction on mail, pictures and merchandise we can send to the prison. So I used a lot of my words and limited black and white copies of letters he can receive from me.

He’s gotten 2 out of 7 of them and has been absolutely elated to read the words and feel the love I put into them. We just had a conversation about how amazing it is to be able to love as hard as we want, because we were made for each-other and match each-others souls.

I’m so so grateful.

Happy holidays to all.

-S

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S: So Much for Physical Touch

Tough October indeed. Between my own personal life and how busy work has been for me… how we’ve seen no strides in our work for criminal justice reform for all, and no strides in Q’s personal paperwork for him to get out of prison… how we’ve been having small moments of miscommunicating… I miss him.

It’s been over 7 months since I’ve gotten to hold his hand. Just as long as the amount of time I had with him. I think about the pandemic and how some people have basically been trapped with their loved ones, their spouses, their other halves. But the community of prison significant others… we’ve gotten the complete opposite. The pandemic has taken what limited amount of time we got to spend hugging our men, holding their hand. Getting to be face to face and watching each other move. Getting to take each other in…. smell each other’s breaths and taste each other’s lips. Laugh together and have a snack together. Just being able to place one hand on his cheek and whisper, I love you.

It’s easy to take for granted having the love of your life next to you. It’s also easy to take for granted having one at all. Hold them close and tell them you love them today, if you can. And if you can’t, pray for them and thank God you have them in your life.

– S

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S: “Keep Being Amazing.”

I started this entry with this same headline almost a year ago, with a statement that says: “This is what he says to me, almost every morning before we get off the phone.” It’s something that’s been constant throughout our relationship.

‘Keep being amazing’ has been somewhat of a mantra of ours that means so much. It basically says – I’m proud of you, and what you do and what you give to the world is important. Go out there and be you with no apologies and no fear. Go out there and be your whole self and know that it’s enough.

The first time he said it to me was before we were what we are and when we just reconnected. He would see me go off to work knowing how bogged down I was. Managing my household and mothering my son and doing hula hoop shows. Making other people happy. He recognized how important it was for me to feel like I ‘HAD IT.’ That someone appreciated everything I was doing and all that I am. Those 3 simple words have always meant everything to me. Especially in the morning before having to start my day. It’s like he’s wrapped me in love and I can better give to others. Wrapped me in confidence and fearlessness, really just allowing myself to believe in MYSELF sooner and easier. It means the world to me to have that mindful energy toward making my day better. And hearing his voice perk up before the end of a phone call, saying ‘I love you, keep being amazing,’ is everything.

Since Q started doing print-based college courses, I’ve found myself saying it to him more often. His main focus has always been education. Throughout his time in prison, he has read textbooks freely, taking notes and learning science and psychology; learning tai chi and meditation and really immersing himself in all things books. Now he has the chance to prove it to the world and that’s all he wants to do. By getting a degree. I’m so so proud of him. I always have been. From writing all of these thought pieces about race and politics on his site BrillianceBehindBars.com, to always dedicating himself to tai chi and his mental and physical health, I’m just so proud. I love this man and everything he is.

– S

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Q+S: 1st Anniversary

Q and I celebrated our first year of love and happiness on August 14th. While I didn’t post about it then, I still think about it. We had a beautiful video visit, and exchanged written (and drawn gifts.) We wrote poetry and letters to each other, and prayed together for many more.

The feature photo is something he sketched for me, and here’s what I wrote for him.

When push comes to shove,

When ground was above,

When life came to love,

There was you.

When curves were aligned,

When stars came to shine,

When God warped the time,

There was you.

You, my destiny in flesh form –

Meant to walk the earth together,

as one.

Meant to walk the earth together –

As king and queen,

Hand in hand,

Taking on

everything.

There was you,

when I was at my worst.

Believing in me, and putting me first.

Loving me and bringing me joy –

Laughing with me, and bringing me presence,

Clearing my stresses,

Creating OUR essence.

You, my everything, in soul form.

Flaws and all, and everyday

I want more.

Flaws and all, and everyday –

You choose me.

Recognizing now and then

how it’s supposed to be.

There was you,

when I ain’t have nothing left

Protecting me, in your heart you kept –

Faith and hope and love in the darkest hours

Trust me when I say what’s mine is ours

We’re climbing the highest towers,

Using our super powers…

Love –

The magic, before my eyes.

On August 14th,

There was you.

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