Q: It’s Hard For Me

It’s hard for me…

because know what love is

…because I know you…

love is…

love is you and me.

its hard for me…

because its hard for you…

hard for you too.

Easy for me to feel this

easy for me to see

hard for you and I to sleep

hard for you and I from deep

its hard for me…

but easy to cry…

easier at night…

a hard day’s light…

a hard shine blinds…

easy hard time…

its hard for me…

to see your dreams…

to hear your scream so silently..

same as you suffers all in stride

hard for me to see your heart open wide.

it’s hard for me…

to feel you next to me..

to notice that it was just a scene…

to wake and stare at whats only air..

knowing that you were just there…

its hard for me…

because want you…

because I need you…

because I breathe you…

and air is in short supply…

its like breathing in your dreams… suffocating… but never die.

its hard for me because it hard for you

its hard for us because its easy for us.

a natural love i lust to live.

its hard for us,

because the distance takes and takes and takes…

no matter how much we give.

-Q

February 2, 2024 0

The Mid-Year Fast: Day 3, Discipline

Been meaning to document this for years, but Q spends time fasting for 3 days at the beginning of July. This year, he and I spent time building on it together and unpacking what it means to reconnect with self and to focus in on particular principles each day. Reconnecting with purpose. While I didn’t fast from food, I found other ways to practice mindfulness and build for me.

The Last Day of Fasting, Discipline – 2022, by Q

The result of dedication to a cause and determination to exact such cause is discipline. Discipline is NOT the natural state of mankind… it is the natural state of divinity. Everything in creation adheres to the natural law and there can be no law without the concept of discipline. When a person seeks to strengthen there discipline, they seek to become closer to their god-like selves… like every atom in existence, we are all, whether knowingly or unknowingly, apart of the structure of the natural ORDER.

Discipline – 2023, by S

Of the 3 Ds, discipline is the hardest of the concepts to grasp. There’s a realization that without a higher power a true belief in the divine, real disciple cannot exist. Meditation and prayer were an easy solution to feeling that closeness with the universe, and connection was made, there in the rain, reminding me what is. The insight – dedication is the why, determination is the goal, and discipline is the process. It’s time is forever and can only be guided by all three D’s existing at once. Finding the fire within myself to meditate while the rain falls — only to retain the deepest connections, and accessing peace when I choose it.

July 6, 2023 0

The Mid-Year Fast: Day 2, Determination

Determination – 2022, by Q

Determination is what pushes me through to the other side of my goals. To set a course and move out on it, no matter the weather, this is the human capacity of determination. I, for myself, have determined a course to a higher, more whole self. But only once the mind is free, only then, can it follow through on its desires with determination, and makes them manifest.

Determination – 2023, by S

Determination is as grounding as it is fleeing. It is a force that can only stand to push forward.

Do not be afraid of determination because it exists, be aware and recognize that it exists when you create it. Do not be afraid because it cannot be contained in time. It cannot be rushed, it cannot be rewound. It can only be now, in this moment, and the universe will guide you the rest of the way. There are no limits.

July 5, 2023 0

The Mid-Year Fast: Day 1, Dedication

Dedication – 2022, by Q

Dedication is what keeps bringing me back to the starting point to what could led to a grand arrival…

Year after year, I show a desire to want to purge the more base aspects of myself in hopes to obtain a clearer, more whole light on what known as the Self. This desire is summed up into 3 days of fasting. The initial principle to begin this quest is dedication.

Dedication is a fruit of the human soul–activating the most supernormal power available to human beings–the intelligence to see and comprehend, and the will to adiust– to manifest the exact product of a self-determined fate and its potential perfection.

Dedication – 2023, by S

When the word dedication comes to mind, my first thought in and OUT of meditation was other people. Just names, titles, more names. Nothing else. What’s more, I realized that I wasn’t on that list. It’s a wake up call for sure because how can I show up and be dedicated if I’m not taking the time to dedicate myself? I want to spend time working on defining what it means to dedicate me, and prioritize the intentions that will fill me to my best self. Dedication to self: mind, body, and spirit.

July 4, 2023 0

Q: A Prayer – “Every Year of Forever”

God, Overseer of Our Days,
may every time we cross paths, it be an instantaneous rekindling of our love at
first sight for both of us.

May loving one another continue to produce the most beautiful experiences we shall ever
have… only we, together, can totally
understand the sweet dream that is our love.

Let us, before God and all under
the blue sky, before everything that
crawls, walks, runs, and swims upon
God’s green earth… profess and acknowledge what we know to be true – that our coming together is God’s work.

Let the love of two forever amazed by one
another, continue to shine throughout an imperfect world, perfectly.

God, may you conintue to use our love as your own and a shining example, as it can
inspire our friends and ever-growing
Family, by which that same love shall endure.

God, allow us the depth of your eternal grace, as we continue to remember: When we put our heads together, we create a world that’s even better.

We respect the awesome power that is God, as it has forged the framework for the eternal force that is our love — love that is now, love that was then, love that is still, love always, love will and forever shine it’s reflection, our reflection throughout the sands of time.

Separate bodies, kindred souls, rebounded back by the ultimate unifying force, God’s original form – love – fashioned from a rib, created to be side and side. May our joy continue throughout our lives as a reflection of your joy that spans an eternity – a love that is true and pure, a love that is absolute, that it is formless yet never changes… love, threefold and forever and ever.

April 25, 2022 0

Q: Manifesting Integrity

The penitentiary is full of desperation. In such a dark place for such a long time, the aliment of the human condition and all its imperfection is sure to come to surface. It is not hard to imagine how undervalued the virtue of integrity may be to a person fully submerged in the distractions of our modern society and all the demands that come from it. Even behind the prison walls, there is a heavy emphasis on respect (an essential concept for the coexistence of men forced to live in extremely close quarters), but integrity becomes more of footnote to such an idea.

I have been incarcerated for over a decade and one thing I’ve come to fully understand is that my power to change is firmly rooted deep within my sense of self — my integrity. In the menagerie of men, concrete, and steel, it is easy to drift into a sea of obscurity — a place where you can easily lose yourself… the acquisition of integrity is the only thing that can help you maintain. Maintaining your identity is a necessary key in the goal of greater self discovery and personal growth and the overcoming of the sad state that is arrested development experienced by many who are imprisoned.

To be a raindrop in the middle of the ocean and maintain your shape… that is integrity. I’ve found my search for greater integrity has lead me to seek a greater grasp on truth, admire honesty, and achieve a level of character that is solid, sturdy, and principled. I’ve found that in the course of being encouraged to be honesty with others, I’ve gain a more objective outlook in general and inevitably, I am more honest with myself– this is the strength of integrity.

I cannot imagine my life without being on this journey. It has improved my life immeasurably. My self image is incorrigible, my relationships have improved with family and friends, and I feel like there is direction for my future, even after being behind bars for so long. Purpose, cause, and destiny have all become perceivable to me through eyes of integrity.

-Q, 3/20/2022

March 27, 2022 0

Q: Second Year of a Relationship and It’s Spiritual Growth

Every once in a while, Q and I decide to write on an interesting topic for the blog at the same time. As an additional wild card, we don’t share the entries with one another until they’re both finished. No peeking. This month, we thought we’d reflect on how we’ve continued to grow together spiritually after 2+ years. Enjoy.

Q:

It has been over two years since S and I re-engaged our love story. One of the most interesting things about that is that no matter how far apart we were, for however long, we’ve managed to still be alike in so many ways. We still both love to dance, sing, laugh, and love. It seemed as if time could not fade it, it has only made it stronger. But above all that, there was something that we didn’t share enough of as kids… our spirituality. As adults, S and I both embraced a diligent search for our more spiritual selves and we have bonded over that search and it has become one of the greatest pillars in maintaining our very fruitful and loving long distance relationship.

My entire incarceration has been an opportunity to build a spiritual discipline. Since being locked up, I’ve read an array of books and practiced meditation for the last 13 years; and most recently taken up Tai Chi. There came a point were I felt like I mastered meditation. I was unbound and completely detached from the hostile and mind numbing, monotonous world of imprisonment. I didn’t realize at the time that I was nowhere near mastery. Soon, the universe would send me a reminder.

August 14th, 2019, S and I decided that we would be together even though we were miles apart. From that point on, the world began a light speed crash course for my emotions and mind. I was plunging back into an emotional life of caring, concern, and attachment. I stressed and felt unbelievable pressure as I was jolting back into a world beyond my aloof present. Regrets of the past, fears of the future, feeling of helplessness over control of my world… all things I thought were no more, had resurfaced from their mere suppression and assaulting my inner spaces. It was like a struggle I never experienced before. That was the first year.

Being in a long distance relationship can pose a lot of problems for any couple. Being in a relationship where one of you are in prison, can be one thousand times more stressful. S and I have extremely limited physical contact and phone calls aren’t always ideal. But we have a spiritual connection and a desire to strengthen it. We focus on what we call, our “spiritual love.” We try to reach one another in a way that is beyond physical. It’s presence we miss, so its presence we try to project. We try to synchronize our prayer and meditation times in an attempt to channel one another.

I’ve realized that the type of discipline I engaged before being in this relationship was only foundational at best. What I understand now is that spirituality is not only for yourself, it is to be emitted to those in your life. Spirituality is about connecting and bridging the gap between what seems to be separate. S being at the center of my journey with me has allowed me to better express my love to my family, friends, and even random people I encounter in my daily happenings. I feel more sensitive to life and more alive because it.

S’s presence pushes me to reach out, not withdraw in, learning to bring a lot of my internal growth out into the atmosphere. It hasn’t been easy. In fact, this has been the greatest challenge I ever had to endure. but I know, just the bit of growth I have achieved in the last few years is a million times greater than the 10 years I’ve walked this journey alone. And to be honest, I welcome the lifetime of new levels I can see over the horizon, as S and I set out on our forever journey of love, life, and continuous spiritual growth.

-Q

(To read the S version, click here.)

November 8, 2021 1

Q+S: The Second Year

August 14th marked our second trip around the sun together, and we wanted to take some time and think about all we’ve been through, and how the love still grows. We each took a step back separately and reflected on it. Pictured, is the beautiful drawing in the card that Q made for S.

Q:

It has been 730 days since S and I decided that we would act on our feelings and move out on the rest of our lives together. Ever since then we have experienced joys as well as sorrows, laughter as well as tears, but overall, we’ve experienced the depth of our love and its inability to fade.

We were only 7 months into our newly re-established relationship before the pandemic hit. Before then, she came to visit me 2-3 times a month before they stopped visitations well over a year ago. So, a majority of our time as a couple has been under the strain of no contact… And what a strain it has been. But it is evident that it cannot defeat us.

It is becoming more clear that there is no force in this world that can defeat us. Over 10 years, and the great love we possessed as teenagers has only become stronger through its perseverance. Time has not been able to stifle us and every once in a while our love seems to rebirth itself. We re-live feelings of the first day we locked eyes in the middle of a busy sidewalk, and our lives were recreated.

There has been 80 miles in between us every night for the past 2 years. But without a doubt, our prayers reach one another and fill our spirits and souls with presence. It makes the space in between us irrelevant at times.

The physical distance has actually prompted us to get creative and more in depth with our communication. Sure, trying to translate much of how we feel through word alone can be choppy at times. We even experienced our first impromptu ‘hang up’ during an argument on the day of our second anniversary. But I cannot deny that we are getting better and stronger with each obstacle we overcome. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard. Really hard.

For the weekend of our anniversary, S traveled to attend my mother’s wedding. I could not foresee just how much it would affect me. Maybe because I was too worried about how much it would effect her, but the pain of knowing she was there without me, oddly enough drove me to anger. An anger that became irritation, that become stress and resulted in an argument that ended up with her hanging up on me.

Regardless of every difficulty we’ve faced, the truth is undeniable. S and I share a love that is unlike anything I’ve encountered before. After 2 years of fighting for our love everyday, I only look forward to living loving and growing throughout this life with her by my side. For better or worse, our love thrives. Here’s to two years and the rest of forever.

– Q

S:

While I couldn’t imagine myself here in April 2018, here we are. I’ve discovered the greatest love I’ve ever known in a man, and I can’t touch him, smell him, see him or talk to him without being monitored.

It hasn’t been easy at all. Through the pandemic and its daily struggles, my anxiety has gotten the best of me this summer. I’ve been trying to take it easy and take care of myself. More meditation and more management of work / life balance. Thinking positively.

I’ve found myself taking the daily churn out on him. When I work too hard or over do it in my personal chores/errands or stressing myself out trying to make sure I’m being a good mother, daughter, and friend. He’s on the recieving end of my stress. And it reminds us that he’s not here, which causes more confusion and frustration.

What’s amazing is that Q is always there for me, helping me and showing me alternatives. Coaching me and sharing his own experiences and understanding. And though he isn’t here physically, our spiritual relationship is the perfect solution. Just the other day he shared some wisdom on patience, one being: “Hone in on the desire of stillness – it’s already there inside of you.”

Focusing in on things like that and being open to universal love, reminds me that I’m okay. When anxiety strikes sometimes I think: “I am away from the man I love every day and I handle it with grace.” While it seems uncanny, I truly believe that Q and I have it all. We spend a lot of time building things together, sharing ideas and writing eachother poetry and haikus. Listening to music together, writing stories and singing and dancing together. And my favorite – talking about how we will change the world when it comes to criminal and social justice reform. Presently, we’re working on Brilliance and working with SIP to end mass incarceration in Virginia through awareness and law changes. In the future, we plan to continue that work and do even more on the ground together, as he wants to be a lawyer.

We are not perfect and we will never be perfect, but the way we work together each day, and the way we work to understand eachother: offering support and encouragement, is how I know we have forever locked down. He’s my soulmate.

– S

August 24, 2021 0

Q: Poor Man’s Pride

Hold on to everything, like it will all fly away.

Your pride, your truth, and all honesty ways.

Your speech, your logic, your poise and esteem,

But body and mind will still leave with the dream.

Oh poor man! Oh begger! Oh all righteous one!

Time ticks for us all and fate will ensue,

Oh hater of filth and lover of sun.

True things won’t transcend, but how about you.

– Q, 7/29/21

July 30, 2021 0

Q: JPay Poetry – A Visit From a Muse

This was written by Q, during a 10-minute break between video visits.

A crack in the sky
would not be as mesmerizing
As your smiling eyes.

A glowing fire,
lights behind the windows
which guard your soul.

A vision of your skin paints the inside
of my mind
with vexatious delight.

A portion of my being lies with you always Guiding my body through the trials of time –
Closer to your embrace.

Given the dawn as a gift,
I would deliver you the day.
Given the moon as a prize,
We would make sure the night shines.
Given 10 minutes,
I would attempt to describe the endless
depths of my love for you.
Given a lifetime,
I would ensure that you experience it forever.

-Q, 5/19/21

May 22, 2021 0