Q: NOT Home For the Holidays (Redux)

Prison is not the ideal place for spending the holiday season. Disgruntled inmates treat the holidays with either contempt or disregard. For the last 12 years of my incarceration, I opted for the latter. However, I feel the next few though will be different… now that I have S….

We’d been talking for only a few months. Had some face-to-face time, and solidified a higher level in our relationship. Deciding to carry on a relationship given the condition is a monumental choice; and backed by the pressures of the holiday season to “be together…” let’s just say our first holiday season couldn’t have been foreseen.

S loves to travel… which for a slightly over-protective individual like myself, being unable to be “there” for her, is very troubling… but life persists…

Thanksgiving, S travelled to her mother’s house: a nice driving distance away from home. We try our best to stay connected via phone, especially when she’s traveling. Even though it doesn’t necessarily change the way we communicate for the majority, its like I can feel when she’s not home… I get the same deep sinking feeling…

Even when I know S made it to her destination, the feeling remains. The holidays is about family… and to have her around hers, yet splitting the difference on the phone with me, seems wrong. So I try to avoid it… What seems to be a vacation and a time for embracing to everyone else, is more of a time for restriction and limitation for S and I. Which is okay, because it’s real.

Sometimes, I fear that our relationship won’t be as strong because it’ll lack “real world experience.” Like its staged in a fantastic play, where negatives are often hidden in an array of flowery words unaided by presence. But when those moments arise where you can feel strain, you can’t deny that you are being tried. Strangely, that brings me a sense of relief…

Of course I can’t wait to “be with” S for the holidays. As I have told her multiple times, she IS my family. The visions of us cooking, sharing, loving, and thoroughly enjoying the season are hard, but motivating. A few more holiday seasons dot our path to one day being free together, bringing in the holidays…

Until then though, I guess there is something special to learn of our love and the holidays. We just have to remain open and receptive to the wisdom the times and the trials have to offer us in our life now, and in our future…

–Q, written 1/5/20
(Read the S version here)

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S: Surviving the 1st Holiday

It’s January 2, 2020, and the holiday season is now complete. It’s a brand new year and a new opportunity to recharge life.

Needless to say, it’s been rough for Q and I. While our love has proven to withstand the test of time, it’s still very youthful and slightly needy; like a toddler.

Therefore, we’ve found ourselves communicating more frequently while going through what they call the ‘holiday season.’

Thanksgiving was the first culprit of the nonsense. Being around my family and traveling, eating and drinking, creating memories… knowing that Q should be by my side throughout. While a lot of the family knows about Q and I and our situation, it’s not always the easiest thing to bring up to everyone. So a lot of the time, I’ve been forced to hold my feelings or sneak away to get my 20 minutes alone with Q via cell phone tower waves.

As expected, we spent a lot of time thinking and talking about the future. After personally ‘doing Christmas’ 4 times, we noted how we will have Christmas at our house to bring everyone to US.

New Year’s Eve was gentle. As a performer, I had a show that night. Luckily, it was a late night at the facility, which allowed Q to be able to call at 11:50pm – letting us count down the minutes to the new year, and spend it together. We were in two different places at once, but together nonetheless.

All in all, we got through it.

The key was remembering that it’s okay to talk often. Meaningful conversation or not, the emotions are going to be high and plentiful. Listening actively and allowing all feelings – positive and negative – to flow, will make it easy to manage.

We ended New Year’s hand in hand at visit, transferring energy to each other, closing our eyes, breathing together and remembering that we make our world. Vowing to set goals and intentions for our next year together. Knowing the bubble is only as strong as we allow it to be.

– S

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Q: When You Give Your Heart

When you give someone else your heart, they literally become your life…

…All my joy resides in a smile of a single soul.
Her laughter brings heaven to ear…
Behind her lively expressions, lay the keys to life.
My heart beats to the batter of her eyes.
My soul stirs at the rhythm of her breath.
She is my life… and without her I cannot live…

Her eyes hold the world.
Her touch holds the warmth of the sun.
Her voice chimes and darkness is eradicated.
Why must my heart be hers? Does but a fool bind his soul to another?
Who am I, but a fool?

To breathe you is my way to wisdom.
To hold you is my journey to understanding.
I seek you… through all the numerous things.
Through the golds, the jewels, and all matters of worldly powers –
I seek nothing but my Love.
And to me, there is nothing but her…

The flawlessness of a diamond only exposes its sterility.
The purity of a child only exposes its inexperience.
The perfect woman has the brilliance of a diamond, but the means of growth.
She has the purity of a child, but the wisdom to discern truth…

Every piece of you is my bread and breath… you, S, are my life.

– Q, written 12/8/19

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Q: Character

All people seek JOY.

One is motivated into action by their search for happiness. All of their actions are committed solely to fill that desire for joy.

Whether its the temporary escape from the sufferings of a cruel reality, an outlet which allows one to express or impress, one’s self upon said reality; or an act which allows one to better define one’s self, and better understand life. ALL actions root from that desire. Without desire, freewill has no direction.

Overall, one seeks joy. Mere men find evil in their joy. But evils aren’t in the search for it, but in its finding… it is not the want of joy, but what BRINGS joy that determines good and evil, righteous and wrong.

If man desires good, and selflessness brings one joy, then one is a good and righteous one. But if one desires wrong-doing and enjoys evils, then one is an evil and unrighteous one…

-Q, written 11/24/19

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S: Lockdown Thoughts

This is a rare JPay letter sighting (written by Q) from late October. It’s important to note that this writing style and this platform is so familiar and intimate to me. It brings warmth to my day. There’s nothing like seeing a new message notification and reading new words from him. It represents a bit of the little things that some relationships may not have the ability to appreciate.

This is especially true since my relationship is subjected to a difficult time each quarter, where he’s on lockdown. This means that all of the inmates in Q’s specific facility spend most of their time in their cell and are not able to make phone calls or use their JPay tablets to send or receive emails for 1-2 weeks. And it’s unknown when they’ll get out. While I can’t call or write immediately, I am able to attend weekend visitation and write with snail mail.

In the meantime, little pieces of old notes like these help me get through it. Helps me remember why we do what we do and that we are growing during this time. That our love is making more roots and we gain more grounding and appreciation for what we have. A feeling that will last a lifetime. It reminds me that with time and true love, there is going to be some work. And that we are working harder than most couples in some ways, but also growing effortlessly.

I’ll share more as they come.

– S

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Love Letter Excerpt: 11/11/19

Know everywhere you see the sky, I will not abandon you… just as I see the sun, the moon and the stars and know that your light never flees me. Our love is a matter of spirit. So no bounds, nor even time or space can capture it. It is forever and unending. Infinite and all encompassing.

I hope these words help you to embrace my spirit a little more easily tonight, and though you may not read them until later, tonight I hope you can rest in them… telepathic bubble power and shit. 🙂

– Q, Excerpt from letter 11/11/19

I didn’t get to read this letter until tonight. And tonight was when I needed it. I was under a lot of stress and was feeling a bit hopeless for a lot of reasons. And yet somehow, he’s always there when I need him. Always matching my energy and saying the things I need to hear, even when he’s not here.

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S: Light Speed (The Expression)

Light speed.
We are light speed;
Forever traveling by the speed of light.
Forever traveling by the speed of a love rekindled –
By a light that never burns out.
Moving faster than a reason to run, or a reason to doubt.

My god of love and meee, running free;
Chasing a destined love for eternity.
Forever and ever at a pace unknown to man,
Living and loving as fast as we can.
Cheering at the finish line like a race that’s already won.
Chasing the feeling of a button, undone.
Connecting like a music note to a beat of a drum –
Descending on a mountain on a search for our kingdom.

Light speed, like a falling star from the sky made of you and I…
And landing on an unlimited supply
Of love and undying passion that’ll never end.
My person, now and forever again.

Light speed, because it’s us and it’s what we do…
When a love like ours is faithful and true…
Loyal and willing to carry out any task,
Revealing all that’s real and peeling back any masks –
Be it visible or deep in a dark place in the mind.
Absolving all mentions of time…

Time
is what we have and what we fear,
Even though this rush-lag is exhausting, we’re right here.
Here forever and just for now,
In the past, and the moment we seal this vow.
…Your hands in mine, just like the first time we met.
When we were two souls with zero regret.
Living life like we’d never forget,
And declaring love like we weren’t sure yet.

Light speed, one second at a time
because spirits don’t have a time-line.
That’s what the next life is for,
So I’m thanking the universe for giving US more.
Giving US a moment to explore
Ourselves… individually and together
Today, tomorrow, and eventually forever.

Light speed –
because we move like we always have.
Through years and decades and centuries,
Through miles, elements, and galaxies.
Through wavelengths upon wavelengths,
Knowledge and intelligence,
Growth and development.
Trees and roots,
Earth and water,
Life and love
And love and life.

We are light speed;
We’ve BEEN light speed.
Traveling like a love reincarnated –
Over and over again; it’s not complicated.
Leaps and bounds forever to find our way back to each other.
Each and everyday, engaged in one another.
Chasing the stars and the light…
That never burns out.
Running fasterrrr
than a reason to doubt.

-S, written 11/6

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Love Letter Excerpt: 11/1/19

I feel like the universe has been training us to be ready to for this type of love… so we can appreciate it fully. So it could be strong enough to withstand this life and the time beyond. We’re so special and our situation is designed to prove that. To “prove,” as gold is proved in the fire’s crucible. The purity of our love will emerge from the strife and superficial, tried and true. The fire represents the struggles of this situation and all the ones preceding it; burning away all of those doubts obstructing pure love… until only you and I remain…

– Q, Excerpt from Letter 11/1/19

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S: Channeling Spiritual Love

This past weekend at visit, I noticed something on Q’s hand as we sat down after a warm embrace. It was a ring around his pinky, seemingly made of wood. It was brown with some beautiful flaws. He gave it to me and told me a guy made it for him a while back. Said he wanted me to have something of his.

I was immediately grateful; especially when I left him. I pulled it out of my pocket. It magically fit my left ring finger.

After thinking about it for a while and talking to him about the ring, I had an epiphany about it’s meaning. And somehow, he shared something very similar with me in a note before I was able to see it.

Our ring… wood torn from the tree… but forever connected…

– Q, 10/28/19

This ring represents our spiritual love. Our spiritual connection.

With our ring, I am reminded to stay grounded, and present. I am reminded that we are constantly growing. Slow, but steady and intentional. I am reminded that you and I are longevity, as years and years pass while we still stand steady. Tall and timeless. Trees change with the season. But they never fall down in the face of the coldest winters or the hottest summers. Never falling in the face of hurricanes or storms. Persevering it all. 

I am reminded that our love is shelter, always. And that we are spiritually connected at all times. Now, then, forever.

-S

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