Q+S: The Second Year

August 14th marked our second trip around the sun together, and we wanted to take some time and think about all we’ve been through, and how the love still grows. We each took a step back separately and reflected on it. Pictured, is the beautiful drawing in the card that Q made for S.

Q:

It has been 730 days since S and I decided that we would act on our feelings and move out on the rest of our lives together. Ever since then we have experienced joys as well as sorrows, laughter as well as tears, but overall, we’ve experienced the depth of our love and its inability to fade.

We were only 7 months into our newly re-established relationship before the pandemic hit. Before then, she came to visit me 2-3 times a month before they stopped visitations well over a year ago. So, a majority of our time as a couple has been under the strain of no contact… And what a strain it has been. But it is evident that it cannot defeat us.

It is becoming more clear that there is no force in this world that can defeat us. Over 10 years, and the great love we possessed as teenagers has only become stronger through its perseverance. Time has not been able to stifle us and every once in a while our love seems to rebirth itself. We re-live feelings of the first day we locked eyes in the middle of a busy sidewalk, and our lives were recreated.

There has been 80 miles in between us every night for the past 2 years. But without a doubt, our prayers reach one another and fill our spirits and souls with presence. It makes the space in between us irrelevant at times.

The physical distance has actually prompted us to get creative and more in depth with our communication. Sure, trying to translate much of how we feel through word alone can be choppy at times. We even experienced our first impromptu ‘hang up’ during an argument on the day of our second anniversary. But I cannot deny that we are getting better and stronger with each obstacle we overcome. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard. Really hard.

For the weekend of our anniversary, S traveled to attend my mother’s wedding. I could not foresee just how much it would affect me. Maybe because I was too worried about how much it would effect her, but the pain of knowing she was there without me, oddly enough drove me to anger. An anger that became irritation, that become stress and resulted in an argument that ended up with her hanging up on me.

Regardless of every difficulty we’ve faced, the truth is undeniable. S and I share a love that is unlike anything I’ve encountered before. After 2 years of fighting for our love everyday, I only look forward to living loving and growing throughout this life with her by my side. For better or worse, our love thrives. Here’s to two years and the rest of forever.

– Q

S:

While I couldn’t imagine myself here in April 2018, here we are. I’ve discovered the greatest love I’ve ever known in a man, and I can’t touch him, smell him, see him or talk to him without being monitored.

It hasn’t been easy at all. Through the pandemic and its daily struggles, my anxiety has gotten the best of me this summer. I’ve been trying to take it easy and take care of myself. More meditation and more management of work / life balance. Thinking positively.

I’ve found myself taking the daily churn out on him. When I work too hard or over do it in my personal chores/errands or stressing myself out trying to make sure I’m being a good mother, daughter, and friend. He’s on the recieving end of my stress. And it reminds us that he’s not here, which causes more confusion and frustration.

What’s amazing is that Q is always there for me, helping me and showing me alternatives. Coaching me and sharing his own experiences and understanding. And though he isn’t here physically, our spiritual relationship is the perfect solution. Just the other day he shared some wisdom on patience, one being: “Hone in on the desire of stillness – it’s already there inside of you.”

Focusing in on things like that and being open to universal love, reminds me that I’m okay. When anxiety strikes sometimes I think: “I am away from the man I love every day and I handle it with grace.” While it seems uncanny, I truly believe that Q and I have it all. We spend a lot of time building things together, sharing ideas and writing eachother poetry and haikus. Listening to music together, writing stories and singing and dancing together. And my favorite – talking about how we will change the world when it comes to criminal and social justice reform. Presently, we’re working on Brilliance and working with SIP to end mass incarceration in Virginia through awareness and law changes. In the future, we plan to continue that work and do even more on the ground together, as he wants to be a lawyer.

We are not perfect and we will never be perfect, but the way we work together each day, and the way we work to understand eachother: offering support and encouragement, is how I know we have forever locked down. He’s my soulmate.

– S

Q+S: 1st Anniversary

Q and I celebrated our first year of love and happiness on August 14th. While I didn’t post about it then, I still think about it. We had a beautiful video visit, and exchanged written (and drawn gifts.) We wrote poetry and letters to each other, and prayed together for many more.

The feature photo is something he sketched for me, and here’s what I wrote for him.

When push comes to shove,

When ground was above,

When life came to love,

There was you.

When curves were aligned,

When stars came to shine,

When God warped the time,

There was you.

You, my destiny in flesh form –

Meant to walk the earth together,

as one.

Meant to walk the earth together –

As king and queen,

Hand in hand,

Taking on

everything.

There was you,

when I was at my worst.

Believing in me, and putting me first.

Loving me and bringing me joy –

Laughing with me, and bringing me presence,

Clearing my stresses,

Creating OUR essence.

You, my everything, in soul form.

Flaws and all, and everyday

I want more.

Flaws and all, and everyday –

You choose me.

Recognizing now and then

how it’s supposed to be.

There was you,

when I ain’t have nothing left

Protecting me, in your heart you kept –

Faith and hope and love in the darkest hours

Trust me when I say what’s mine is ours

We’re climbing the highest towers,

Using our super powers…

Love –

The magic, before my eyes.

On August 14th,

There was you.

S: My Quarantine Birthday

Never did I think I’d also somehow have a quarantine birthday, but alas, here we are.

It’s still very much the ‘pandemic times’ right now so we didn’t get to see eachother in person. But luckily I got to start the day off with a video visit with him. Coffee time, which was beautiful.

A couple days prior to that, I received a package in the mail addressed to me. I knew what it was because he had spoiled the surprise of what he’d gotten me for my birthday, but I didn’t know what it looked like. I unwrapped the box and pulled it out, and it’s a beautiful little bonsai tree. An outdoor juniper bonsai. I love that he listens. He knows how much I love plants and the joy they bring to me.

He and I named him together. Going back and forth. Once told him that it seemed male, we started talking about boy names and couldn’t land on one. I told him that the tree was spikey, but soft and gentle. Small but mighty. He thought about it for a while and said – ‘what about Sonic? Like the hedgehog, who shares those same qualities.’ It was perfect. We shared an equal like for the movie, and both enjoyed the video game as kids. ‘Sonic the Bonsai’ I said.

I also got a beautiful handmade card from him. Another surprise. I waited to open it until my birthday. He had written a sweet little diddy, a birthday poem if you will. It made me smile…

“July 21st, a very special birth,
heaven opened up and an angel grazed the earth,

Oh, S. Dae!
special in every S. way,
the greatest of the greatest
birthday of birthdays.

All hail the Queen,
the only reason I’m a King,
and I’ve been enamored since the first “whatchu mean!?” 🙂

To my Queen, to my goddess
whom I love, respect, trust and adore,

Happy Birthday, my Lady and Love,
and to you, a million more…”

The best part about the day was that he felt very present. We didn’t get to talk much on the phone that day due to the Covid cases and lockdowns going on at his facility… but he was with me all day, even though he wasn’t. He made me feel so special and fills me with so much joy. I’m so so grateful. Happy birthday to me.

– S

Q + S: How Loving Yourself, Can Equal Finding Love

Q and I talk a lot about self love, and the true love we have with one another. When we were working on the ‘100 Reasons I Love You’ writing we did for eachother over Valentine’s Day, we both mentioned how we wanted to find things about eachother that didn’t have to do with ourselves.

Some people say you can’t love others because they love you, but we say why not? The true love you seek lies within you.

Take a look at a letter Q wrote, sharing his perspective on how it’s okay to love your significant other because they love you.

“I woke up this morning thinking of you and how much I love you. It’s A LOT. It’s funny you spoke on loving me because I love you and loving the part of yourself that you see in me. I thought about that same very exact thing. I thought about the way you remind me of my mother first. Then, I was like – well she reminds of my sister too. and Then I was like… well duh, they both are my relatives, so I love them because they are a reflection of me. 🙂 And think about this infinite model of love… I love you because you love me (not solely because of that, but yeah)… and your love makes me love me more, which in turn make me love you more, which also in turn makes you love me more and the cycle continues on your side of the cycle and on and on…

I don’t necessarily think loving someone because you resonate with the ‘you’ inside of them is a bad thing. On the real, I think that’s the a true means of cultivating our intense type love. It not loving you because you love me per say, its more a love for you based on a self-love. That sounds like a very healthy basis for building a very healthy love, right? That’s why saying we love US is so profound and depicts a deeper aspect of our bubble and its perspective…

I did also acknowledge our differences. Propagated mostly by our upbringing and difference in experience. Which I think is awesome. Two whole halves starting at different points to ascertain life in depth. Just like having two eyes operating in tandem to capture the third dimension… I love nature and its wisdom. And I know you do too. :)”

– Q, excerpt from hand-written letter to S, 2/16/20

When you spend time focusing on loving yourself, you start to see the quality of love you deserve. Not only that, but you start to recognize all the things you love about yourself. This then starts to reveal the things you love about others. It truly starts with the self.

– S

S+Q: When we see eachother.

Every time we go to visit, we always write to each other about how we’re feeling afterward. Something about it all is timeless, and unpacks what love means. I thought I’d share the love of our messages, just in time for Valentines.

Baby, every time we take center stage, I’m reminded of why I love you like I do. Everything you are… loving, smiling, laughing, and joyous. My light. The light of my light. I’m holding back a misty eye right now. You know when I wiped a tear on your left hand today… do you know what I was thinking when the tear came? I was thinking about how great you are… I don’t know how its supposed to feel. But I think this is it… I’m sure of it. Love wrapped in flesh…

– Q

“We’ve really always been this way, baby. Silly and fun and a little spontaneous. Dancing and singing and making shit up. Laughing and egging each other on. In that old video of us when we were 19, I’m making fun of you and hyping you up at the same time and laughing. There’s so much love in it and it’s clear you’re doing it to entertain yourself as much as you’re entertaining me. And that’s exactly how we are now. Having fun just because. I love it when we embarrass ourselves and each other because that’s just us and it’s our beautiful and corny love shining with no dullness in sight.”

– S

“S, we are given the chance to have love the way we want it. Unfiltered, pure, and true. We don’t have to be other people. We are us… people that aren’t too easy to understand… and yet, we understand each other… and love one another…”

– Q

S: Lockdown Thoughts

This is a rare JPay letter sighting (written by Q) from late October. It’s important to note that this writing style and this platform is so familiar and intimate to me. It brings warmth to my day. There’s nothing like seeing a new message notification and reading new words from him. It represents a bit of the little things that some relationships may not have the ability to appreciate.

This is especially true since my relationship is subjected to a difficult time each quarter, where he’s on lockdown. This means that all of the inmates in Q’s specific facility spend most of their time in their cell and are not able to make phone calls or use their JPay tablets to send or receive emails for 1-2 weeks. And it’s unknown when they’ll get out. While I can’t call or write immediately, I am able to attend weekend visitation and write with snail mail.

In the meantime, little pieces of old notes like these help me get through it. Helps me remember why we do what we do and that we are growing during this time. That our love is making more roots and we gain more grounding and appreciation for what we have. A feeling that will last a lifetime. It reminds me that with time and true love, there is going to be some work. And that we are working harder than most couples in some ways, but also growing effortlessly.

I’ll share more as they come.

– S

Love Letter Excerpt: 11/11/19

Know everywhere you see the sky, I will not abandon you… just as I see the sun, the moon and the stars and know that your light never flees me. Our love is a matter of spirit. So no bounds, nor even time or space can capture it. It is forever and unending. Infinite and all encompassing.

I hope these words help you to embrace my spirit a little more easily tonight, and though you may not read them until later, tonight I hope you can rest in them… telepathic bubble power and shit. 🙂

– Q, Excerpt from letter 11/11/19

I didn’t get to read this letter until tonight. And tonight was when I needed it. I was under a lot of stress and was feeling a bit hopeless for a lot of reasons. And yet somehow, he’s always there when I need him. Always matching my energy and saying the things I need to hear, even when he’s not here.

Love Letter Excerpt: 11/1/19

I feel like the universe has been training us to be ready to for this type of love… so we can appreciate it fully. So it could be strong enough to withstand this life and the time beyond. We’re so special and our situation is designed to prove that. To “prove,” as gold is proved in the fire’s crucible. The purity of our love will emerge from the strife and superficial, tried and true. The fire represents the struggles of this situation and all the ones preceding it; burning away all of those doubts obstructing pure love… until only you and I remain…

– Q, Excerpt from Letter 11/1/19

S: What does it mean to have a love that’s forever?

Oh; What does it mean to have a love that’s forever?

A life of love that survives all obstacles, and makes me better.

What does it mean to have a love that lets me be creative,

whether its good or bad; practiced or forgotten.

What does it mean to have a love that lets me make mistakes,

but never lets me be less than my best.

What does it mean to have a love that makes me beautiful,

no matter what I’m wearing, how many pounds I’m gaining, or how much make up I’m saving.

What does it mean to have a love that speaks truth with every word,

no matter how unbelievable it may seem.

To have faith that is endless.

What does it mean to have a love that listens, even when I’m not talking.

…to have a love that moves me, even when I’m not walking.

What does it mean to have a love that lives in every single moment,

whether the

five senses can sense it

or not.

What does it mean to have a love with a mind of its own?

What does it mean to have a love that lives all around, in every object, every molecule, every thought.

What does it mean to have a love that time can’t shape?…

That time can’t break and time can’t shake? Having a love that can’t wait –

Because it doesn’t have to.

It means THIS love is fate,

And life’s what we make.

– S, for Q, Written 10/22/19

The Goddess of Life (Written by Q)

As men in my time most often do,
I have found my encased in lonesome solitude…
and within its hollows echoed a still sound…
S… she is the Goddess of Life.
She is warmth, she is light, she is all that is good to a man…

I asked, for what is good to a man that he lives? For days are hot then cold and forever spinning…

The voice replied…

“What brings men to wake?”

Is it not the warmth of life’s embrace?
She is soul’s fire… lit and burning bright with vitality.

“What brings men to see?”

Not by touch of light, nor shine of the sun and stars.
She is day’s light… she is a thousand stars…

By what great grace, am I so fourtunate to know her body so intimate? To breathe her air so vigorously…

S, the Goddess of Life… I am refreshed and full of you…

– Written by Q, for S, his goddess.
(10.10.19)

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