Q: Second Year of a Relationship and It’s Spiritual Growth

Every once in a while, Q and I decide to write on an interesting topic for the blog at the same time. As an additional wild card, we don’t share the entries with one another until they’re both finished. No peeking. This month, we thought we’d reflect on how we’ve continued to grow together spiritually after 2+ years. Enjoy.


It has been over two years since S and I re-engaged our love story. One of the most interesting things about that is that no matter how far apart we were, for however long, we’ve managed to still be alike in so many ways. We still both love to dance, sing, laugh, and love. It seemed as if time could not fade it, it has only made it stronger. But above all that, there was something that we didn’t share enough of as kids… our spirituality. As adults, S and I both embraced a diligent search for our more spiritual selves and we have bonded over that search and it has become one of the greatest pillars in maintaining our very fruitful and loving long distance relationship.

My entire incarceration has been an opportunity to build a spiritual discipline. Since being locked up, I’ve read an array of books and practiced meditation for the last 13 years; and most recently taken up Tai Chi. There came a point were I felt like I mastered meditation. I was unbound and completely detached from the hostile and mind numbing, monotonous world of imprisonment. I didn’t realize at the time that I was nowhere near mastery. Soon, the universe would send me a reminder.

August 14th, 2019, S and I decided that we would be together even though we were miles apart. From that point on, the world began a light speed crash course for my emotions and mind. I was plunging back into an emotional life of caring, concern, and attachment. I stressed and felt unbelievable pressure as I was jolting back into a world beyond my aloof present. Regrets of the past, fears of the future, feeling of helplessness over control of my world… all things I thought were no more, had resurfaced from their mere suppression and assaulting my inner spaces. It was like a struggle I never experienced before. That was the first year.

Being in a long distance relationship can pose a lot of problems for any couple. Being in a relationship where one of you are in prison, can be one thousand times more stressful. S and I have extremely limited physical contact and phone calls aren’t always ideal. But we have a spiritual connection and a desire to strengthen it. We focus on what we call, our “spiritual love.” We try to reach one another in a way that is beyond physical. It’s presence we miss, so its presence we try to project. We try to synchronize our prayer and meditation times in an attempt to channel one another.

I’ve realized that the type of discipline I engaged before being in this relationship was only foundational at best. What I understand now is that spirituality is not only for yourself, it is to be emitted to those in your life. Spirituality is about connecting and bridging the gap between what seems to be separate. S being at the center of my journey with me has allowed me to better express my love to my family, friends, and even random people I encounter in my daily happenings. I feel more sensitive to life and more alive because it.

S’s presence pushes me to reach out, not withdraw in, learning to bring a lot of my internal growth out into the atmosphere. It hasn’t been easy. In fact, this has been the greatest challenge I ever had to endure. but I know, just the bit of growth I have achieved in the last few years is a million times greater than the 10 years I’ve walked this journey alone. And to be honest, I welcome the lifetime of new levels I can see over the horizon, as S and I set out on our forever journey of love, life, and continuous spiritual growth.


(To read the S version, click here.)

Joint Meditation: “If you and I are possible, anything is possible.”

Celebrating our 10th month together, Q and I spent some time meditating yesterday and building our spiritual force.

“My meditation was good. It focused on the nature of God. My focal point was the force that brought us together… It’s the same force that sets everything in motion… the Force, babe… all the destiny involved in our chanced love. It was all set in motion by a force. This force guides all things to their purpose and position. We can become more familiar with this force by trying to feel its influence in our entire relationship… God is Love. Seek the nature of love, you’ll find the nature of God… Feel the force that pushes us together and feel how that force is enveloping the whole universe. That’s God…”

– Q, Note to S, 6/14/20

He continues to teach me so much about my own spiritual power and faith, aiding me on my spiritual journey. I’m so grateful. With his guidance, I had my own exploration.

I focused on what you’ve called the force. What was cool about it was it was easy to weave in and out of what was going through me. I kept getting flashes of us and how we are just straight up POSSIBLE. If you and I are possible, anything is possible.

-S, Note to Q, 6/15/20

After my meditation and prayer on the subject, I grabbed our notebook which was nearby, and started to write. A reflection, I guess you can call it. Here’s a little bit of it.

“The nature of God… the force… destiny. I could see us. Day 1 until now, the future. Thinking of all the things that brought us together, even though odds were low. We overcame them one by one. We were supposed to know eachother.

I saw colors… blue and orange mixed together, like a sunset. The sky. I saw us, harnessing our power. I feel we are going to change the world. I think you hold the blue, and me the orange – together, we make a big energy that’s pinkish purpleish. It’s beautiful. I could see it.”

– S, 6/14/20, Notebook

From now on, Q and I are going to try and have a meditation each month on the 14th, focusing on our power. Our force.

S: I Didn’t Know My Anxiety Was This Bad.

Here’s my story, and a few things you can do if you didn’t know either.

With COVID-19 spreading uncontrollably by the hour, I’ve found myself in a constant battle with none other than: my brain. Sure, I’ve struggled with anxiety in my adult life, like everyone else. Let’s talk about it.

I’m a multitasking maniac, suffering from FOMO and cases of imposter syndrome. I’ve had a panic attack before, and can tell if I might be on the verge of one. I hate change and I’m very cautious about most adventurous things. I’m a semi-hoarder/clutter-lover, and I have mild issues of letting go. Trouble falling asleep due to racing thoughts of the day. I’ve seen the same therapist occasionally for the past couple years. The works.

On the contrary, I’m an extroverted, karaoke-singing, open-minded, outspoken, natural-haired, fun-loving woman with a constant smile on my face. These days though, it’s been easy to lose her.

My anxiety has gotten so bad, that it has not only affected me emotionally, it’s affected my physical well-being. There are points in time during the day where my chest feels like someone’s trying to rip it out. Where I sleep for only 4 hours after tossing and turning. When I’m too tired to think about meditating. When I realize I’m out of frozen meat and my knees buckle because I have to go to the store… All of the above.

As a black woman, I’m no stranger to worry. It runs in my family. My grandmother and my mother worry constantly about most things, which is something that I learned at an early age and carried with me. As a kid even, I always seemed to think in a worst case scenario mindset, which allowed me to make changes to my wardrobe and hair, all the way to the major I chose in college, to the experiences I have as an adult.

I also have a 2nd grader. He’s at home for the next two weeks, and trying to keep him educationally entertained is no easy task by far. Luckily, he’s a straight A student and loves math. However, he’s also impatient by nature and very distracted.

I have an incarcerated significant other, which you already knew, and that’s a whole bag of uncertainty. While visitation is cancelled until further notice, that’s not the only impact. They live in close quarters, where almost every surface in the pods are being touched by the minute. The employees are in and out of the facility, going who knows where and bringing who knows what back in there.

OH. And I’m also in the advertising and media business, which is completely overrun by my clients’ worries of keeping their employees employed, wasting money on ads, and saying the right things due to heightened sensitivity with everything going on in the world. I’m dealing with working from home with video conferences and multiple bosses and people to manage. On top of that, sitting in my kitchen for HOURS.

Knowing all of this, and adding COVID-19 to the mix, I’ve done everything in my power to allow my mind to calm. However, it seems like every news article and conspiracy theory causes me to lose any progress I make; and I start over.

I’m learning each day that I cannot control everything, and that there are active steps I can take on the road to overcoming. Now, there’s no magic way to do it overnight, but here’s some things you can do RIGHT NOW, to begin a path of inner recovery.

  1. You have to take care of yourself. Yes, eating well is going to be hard while we’re sitting in the house, but try reaching for a healthier option if it’s available. Meditate when you can. Go on a run or do an exercise video. Sleep a little longer than you normally do. Mental well-being will have a hard time working for you if you aren’t ATTEMPTING to do a little on the physical side. Your brain will thank you.
  2. Don’t be afraid to ask for some time off work. If you cannot deal with news and/or work loads, tell your supervisors. Take an hour away from your computer per day if you have to. Leave at 5. Take a day off to focus on you. It’ll be there when you get back, and you’ll be 10x better when you do.
  3. Delete Facebook. Okay, not your entire profile, but the app has GOT TO GO. With a constant stream of news and commentary, conspiracy theories, and irrelevant opinions from irrelevant people. Check it on desktop when you must, but having that app at a thumbs reach is destroying your ability to focus.
  4. Stretch. Yes, stretch. Believe it or not, certain stretches can help you. Child’s pose. Breathing in and out while placing your hands on your head. Sitting on the floor and slowly reaching for your toes. Doing some cat/cows. All of which releases pent up energy in your body that you likely need to let out in some form or fashion.
  5. Pick up an old hobby. Mine is crocheting. It calms me and is something I can do with my hands.
  6. Drink water. A lot of it. While it may seem easy, consciously drinking 8 or more glasses of water a day can help your oxygen flow, skin cells, digestive system, magic, you name it. It can also make your body feel less tense, even if you didn’t notice it was.
  7. Listen to music. Any music really. Music is a mood shifter and can take you to time and places without effort.
  8. Rewatch your favorite sitcom. Sitcoms are light enough but involved enough to get your mind in a place of peace, but not too far off. Also, laughing releases endorphins.
  9. Think about the things that make you happy. Easier said than done right now huh? But really, time yourself. Take 5 minutes and just sit there, and think about what makes you happy.

Happy thinking. And breathe.

S: Surviving the 1st Holiday

It’s January 2, 2020, and the holiday season is now complete. It’s a brand new year and a new opportunity to recharge life.

Needless to say, it’s been rough for Q and I. While our love has proven to withstand the test of time, it’s still very youthful and slightly needy; like a toddler.

Therefore, we’ve found ourselves communicating more frequently while going through what they call the ‘holiday season.’

Thanksgiving was the first culprit of the nonsense. Being around my family and traveling, eating and drinking, creating memories… knowing that Q should be by my side throughout. While a lot of the family knows about Q and I and our situation, it’s not always the easiest thing to bring up to everyone. So a lot of the time, I’ve been forced to hold my feelings or sneak away to get my 20 minutes alone with Q via cell phone tower waves.

As expected, we spent a lot of time thinking and talking about the future. After personally ‘doing Christmas’ 4 times, we noted how we will have Christmas at our house to bring everyone to US.

New Year’s Eve was gentle. As a performer, I had a show that night. Luckily, it was a late night at the facility, which allowed Q to be able to call at 11:50pm – letting us count down the minutes to the new year, and spend it together. We were in two different places at once, but together nonetheless.

All in all, we got through it.

The key was remembering that it’s okay to talk often. Meaningful conversation or not, the emotions are going to be high and plentiful. Listening actively and allowing all feelings – positive and negative – to flow, will make it easy to manage.

We ended New Year’s hand in hand at visit, transferring energy to each other, closing our eyes, breathing together and remembering that we make our world. Vowing to set goals and intentions for our next year together. Knowing the bubble is only as strong as we allow it to be.

– S

Q: Finding love again…

The moment we begin to feel the internal self grow under the simplest gaze, touch, or whisper of another – we start to know Love’s primary function in the development of humankind…

After years of confining my heart and mind into an even tighter realm than my prison cell offered, a whisper graced my thoughts in the depths of my meditation. It beckoned me to seek love once more…

I hoped and prayed that fortune would deliver me the chance to love again as greatly as I had once before. Being closed for so long, doors began to build a reluctance to opening again. My fear appeared; though I may rediscover love once more, it may only be a glimmer of the great shine it once held… but fortune favors…

S, my archetype of love came back into view of my heart. From there, my internal self tremored, shook, gladdened, and grew…

What so long ago awakened me to a new frontier of self was able to be forgotten amongst the rubble of a scorned & broken past. It had returned, rekindled, and began its reconstruction of my being…

S, a spring of pure love. She’s the advent of the sun of my soul. She made it to me – through the myriad of things that continue to obstruct life’s essence from the eye and the source of any modern man’s strife.

But our dance ensues. Doubts double over. Fears of folly take presidency. Flights of fancy. We endeavor deeper. Brightness begins to break through the clouds. Love gains it’s full gait. Stillness moves and the world tilts on its’ side…

My sight – that seemingly saw so much, it has been shown to see nothing. Oh, how love rearranges the world, rights the eye, and loses the mind…

Your Loved One, Q (Written 9/17/19)

Q: Meditation…

I, myself was introduced to meditation in the early years of my incarceration, and continued the practice for over 10 years now. I have experienced many forms and approaches to meditation; and currently, I peruse each form that I am fortunate to know, from time to time. (That’s apart of one of my own personally designed approaches in itself :)), but in any case, it all begins with a more conventional approach – ‘mental stilling.’

I’ve found that meditation can produce great benefits mentally, but the rate at which one can receive them is closely related to how well they can silence the already ingrained ego that has taken hold of the mind… and that takes more than practice. It takes a tremendous amount of bravery as well – quieting the personality we’ve created over time to protect us, in a very strange and dangerous seeming world.

To me, centering the self is only gaining a perspective that initially acknowledges the ego as separate from the true self. Then, it moves on to the formation of the spiritual body and its senses.

As the spirit develops, so does the mental and physical life benefit. Once a practitioner gains the spiritual body, they are initiated on their own path where they will discover the higher, more hidden planes that comprise the reality we know. They’ll fin spiritual planes such as love, truth, justice, and so on… finding and becoming their own masters.

This, to me, is the purpose of my meditation practice and remains the path of my spiritual journey…

– Your Loved One, Q
Written 9/9/19

S: Revisiting My Meditation Journey

This weekend has been trying, as we have endured some challenges with grasping what it means to manage the various and plentiful emotions that come along with our situation.

In the minutes we’ve had this morning speaking, I mentioned the difficulties that come along with thinking of him when I’m in certain places. Feelings of missing him, anger at the fact that he’s away, regret in allowing his presence to be in that space, anxiety. Pure anxiety.

He reminded me that I am not my mind or my thoughts and that it’s okay to feel those feelings. That thinking makes me human, and when I stop thinking I stop living. That my mind isn’t who I am.

About a few hours later, I went to a yoga class and the teacher happened to say something along the lines of “remember, you are not your thoughts,” proving further that the universe wanted to show me something today. To have patience with myself and my situation.

In our conversations today, we highlighted the themes of the weekend to be: presence and balance.

With so much talk about the future, sometimes we forget what it means to take each other for what we are today, and not just what we will be. We’ve also been working on our constant love and life balance, trying to make sure we remain disciplined and fully understanding of each of our situations. Managing how many phone calls we have and how to make the most of our time. Just overall being mindful.

In short, I believe that spending some time meditating more often will help me become more present in my thoughts. I’ve been using an app as a beginner, on and off for a while. But now, having Q to give me tips, pointers, and inspiration to continue my path to a more manageable mind, I feel confident that I can achieve it.


Website Built with WordPress.com.

Up ↑